Alive...and mostly ok

Sorry for the radio silence.  Life has been insanity, and I simply haven't had the energy or will to spare to write here. 

There seems to be an unpward trend in things, especially since I have survived today's challenge of a 20 hour migraine.  More on all of that later...

Ups and Downs

Ups should maybe be Oops.  I wandered up to check on my ducklings today, and found that three of them had been eaten.  This was irritating not only in that they were gone, but we had just trapped a humongous raccoon that had taken another duckling a few days ago.  There is a lot of OTHER food available for these nasty little carnivores--the streams are full of minnows, crawdads, frogs, and there is a super abundance of mice and other little creepies.  This reminds me of last summer, when a single opossum wandered over one night and wiped out twenty baby chicks...not to eat, but just to kill them all and nibble on a few parts for the sheer fun of it.  I had fun trapping and getting rid of that one, let me tell you!

My hoof stand finally came the other day, after being backordered for almost two months.  It is a wonderful thing to have a hoof stand!!  It was super wonderful to be able to prop up a foot and shape it.  It made my life SO MUCH easier.  It was funny to see how far I had to set the stand away so I could extend Sophie's humongously long leg though.  :)

Mike stripped stalls for me last night, so all I had to do was kick the sawdust around and look pleased.  He is fabulous. 

I found this article....and think it is very accurate.  You might want to take a look...
I'm Thankful He Doesn't Understand
I like it a whole lot. 

In Lyme news, I really need to go see my doctor.  However, it is kind of hard to go anywhere when 1) your car needs to be repaired from the hydroplaning disaster, 2) you don't feel safe driving beyond a half hour by yourself.  Oh yeah, and the fact that I have like zilch money.  :)  That is a factor too, lol!  I am hoping to just be able to afford my medication and groceries by the time school starts again.

Oh, and school.  Yeah.  I have to meet with the committee, and the dean gets to make a decision on whether I am allowed to stay.  Why?  Well, it is rather simple...when you have trouble with classes, you are put on a "watch" list.  And if you have trouble with too many, like moi, then you are put under the microscope to determine what to do with you.  I have lost so much sleep over this that it isn't funny, as it has compounded my stress level 1000%.  For once, however, Lyme is a good thing.  It is not like I had trouble because I am not smart enough, or didn't study enough...I have trouble because I am dealing with a psycho illness that enjoys turning life upside down. 

I am waiting on the email to meet with the committee.  I feel rather grim about it, as I anticipate being asked all sorts of odd questions.  One potential question that throws me into a Flagyl-stoked tizzy is the idea that this year was actually my "second" try.  Ummm...when I started medical school last year, I was diagnosed with RA by a rheumatologist who didn't listen to anything I said.  Throughout the fall, under his care, I got worse.  In December, literally right after my medical leave, I had a seizure.  Luckily, I had found a doctor that cared about me and took my symptoms seriously, so I was not forced to endure a seizure in front of people.  I had it at home, in front of my medically educated mother (and I think I gave her at least one gray hair over it!).  Thank God for small favors, right?  Anyway...it makes me see red to try and explain that.  I know I will probably have to, so I am trying to focus on explaining the situation clearly and cohesively, and without snarling.  No snarling over the inept, crass behavior of uncaring doctors allowed! 

Anyway...what else?  I am thinking about taking my bf's niece, E, to a tiny little horse show on Saturday.  I have been promising to take her to one for forever, and this is very coincidental timing.  I think my 4th level schoolmaster could putz her around a pee wee walk class, right?  ;)  Hey, the Sopha will do anything for carrots, and I intend to have about ten pounds on hand!  :D

And holy horse snot...you know that I used to be really good at producing a lovely paper?  My syntax was always top notch.  Now...now I shudder when I look at what I have typed.  There are so many errors.  My poor brain.  :( If anything, that alone is a clue that while I am functioning, I am not like before. 

Holding Pattern

I feel as if I am in a time warp.  My body decided to say F this.  It was EXTREMELY frustrating, as I banked an 87.5 on huge, terrifying exam...and went downward from there, following how I felt every day. 
So what now?  Now...I am just waiting.  Taking my medication.  Thinking about how much I really, really needed a break--but could barely bring myself to ask for a later testing date, even though I had documentation out the wazoo. 

It is strange to be waiting quietly without the overwhelming stress and fear of school.  Fear, specifically, because Lyme is so unpredictable in its effects, and school at this level requires predictability in schedules, sleep, study time, etc.  Fear because I could walk in and with the same preparation almost make an A and the next day barely scrape by, with the only difference being in how I feel. 

I have noticed that my appetite has returned a little with the reduction in stress...I can nibble more often without being afraid that I am going to get sick.  I am beginning to worry that the food issues that came with the doxy and Flagyl entrenched themselves as coping patterns for stress.  I find that on days I am stressed it is extremely difficult to eat--I can barely choke down my coffee and some guacamole.  Literally everything tastes terrible.  Sigh. 

I am counting pills and shots.  Every dose kept down and managed is a step forward.  Hopefully. 

Hmphf.

Wednesday @ 9 am: Pathology final exam.
Thursday @ 4:55 pm: OPP final practical exam.
Friday @ 8 am: Immuno/TIPC final exams.

I think I am on the edge of burning out.  I feel like I am in this creepy silence, almost in a holding pattern of not feeling/thinking/something. 

Tomorrow, the bank will make a decision about the purchase of dream property.  I am afraid. 

I spent almost two hours with the chickens in my sort of garden this evening.  That was time I could have spent studying (as is this! ha!), but I had pulled off 4 consecutive hours of quality work and just needed something else.  Something different. 

I had four episodes of vertigo, where I literally had to lock my legs and focus on a piece of trash that I wanted to pick up or a weed I wanted to pull.  I have a weird memory of the seizure I had in December...I felt as if I was walking along a tightrope in a dark room, and opened a small wooden door into some green open silence.  And then I was on the tightrope again, feeling as if I was walking back, and I realized I was looking at my mother (she had grabbed me when she saw me fall so I wouldn't hit my head on the ice).  The vertigo kind of felt like that...as if I looked the right way, felt the right way, the path would open up to that door.  It was not a good feeling.  I did a lot of sitting. 

Having written that odd, more than a little disturbing recollection, I am wondering if my "silent" feelings are related to feeling that path/door route again.  I don't know.  Don't really want to know either. 

Pretty, the Spitzhauben, did a lot of getting herself totally into whatever I was doing--she was in the hole I was trying to dig, she was scratching dirt, she was sitting in my lap, walking over my legs...just everywhere.  After I dug holes with my hand fork to plant the irises, I sat with her and used the fork to dig up small rocks and pieces of trash. 

The lady that owned this place literally kept it as a junkyard.  I have found pretty much everything.  I have my little camera--I need to post pictures--but school is just over-freaking-whelming.  Today I found a butter knife, glass, styrofoam, a buckle, a can, lids, foam padding, quilt batting...the list goes on and on. 

I am going to spend a little time digging there after the exam as a reward.  It is so nice to simply be outside, after spending literally a year trapped in my bed and inside the house.  Sometimes, I feel as if sleep is a prison as I have spent so much of my time asleep. 

But...this weekend, I am going to ride the old monster.  Baby Horse and Teapot went to my mother's house--Baby Horse to get her molar issue examined by another vet, and injectible antibiotics--and old monster came here as he is a cold blooded harpy that lives to harass people he deems inadequate to control him.  After hearing about how he has been kicking at people (his trademark!), I was admittedly tense.  However, he loaded perfectly, and has been on his best behavior period since he got off the trailer.  He needs a serious grooming--he is what, 21?  22?  23? I honestly cannot remember, and would have to look at his papers.  He looks to be barely in the double digits and carries himself like a lion.  The only evidence of age that I see is a bit of white creeping out of his blaze onto his face. 

alyson

After a wonderful week off of antibiotics, today I start back up on a new medicine. If I handle it okay, in one week, I add in the dreaded Bactrim, the medicine that dropped me down to 100 lbs, and left me too weak to even walk or crawl to the bathroom. I had to take two months off of treatment until my body was strong enough to try again with a different medicine.

Am I scared? Yes! Am I ready? Yes! I am much stronger now, both physically and mentally. I enjoyed a wonderful string of days where I felt absolutely fantastic and I got so many things done around the house. Now I'm ready to go back down to Herxtown.

I don't want to give up my good days, but I'm fighting for my health back and I'm prepared to do what it takes to get it back, even though that means I have to get sick again. I know I can have good days, weeks even--when I feel like my old self again. I am ready to get worse to get better!

(sigh)

The radio silence since the last post has been due to two things:
1) the monster path, pharm and immuno exam (I passed...hallelujah!)
2) the sheer emotional effort that it took to write the last post. 

I had five exams last week, and four scheduled for this week.  I will have something else to say after Friday (we test Weds., Thurs., and Fri.). 

Until then...and miniature Cadbury eggs are the devil. 

Understanding

Every day that I have been sick, I have beat myself up for not being able to ride.  Not just any riding--but riding on a good day, on my old (now retired) schoolmaster. 

On his dangerously mutable whims, collected gaits were effervescently light--it felt as if we barely touched the ground.  Our lateral work floated along on a soft rein, as he demanded the majority of his aids be through seat, leg, and weight.  On his bad, irritable days, he broke my bones.  He would not tolerate an incorrectly applied aid, nor one that he thought was too harsh--and anything above a whisper was often met with violent eruptions that ended with me on the ground.

Granted, he had dealt with a variety of strange techniques, such as his previous owner tying his head to his shoulder and chasing him around a round pen to teach him that "he can go forward with his head in any position."  With the same woman, he was labelled unrideable from October to March as he became "too dangerous" in the cooler weather.  The exhaustive lunging warmup she put him through in the warmer weather to "take the edge off", in my opinion, taught him to bide his time until he had a chance to deliver his aggression to his rider. (note: another story, another day: remember Lyme brain!)

He was not a gentle horse.  But despite his mercurial, unpredictable behavior, I loved him.

The first time I ever rode piaffe was on him. We hacked away from the barn, and meandered up a hillside to an old cut hayfield--enough time for him to stretch his legs and relax, and allow me some pilot error room in requests.  It was one of those fall days where the light stretches down in beams thick enough to cut.  We made a game of softly half passing along the edge of the field, playing with the idea of collecting and moving forward and out and up from just the feeling we created together.  As we reached the edge of a fold of woodland, the meadow opened out in front of us, and I sighed--the land was beautiful, my horse was listening to me, and everything was just perfect. 

With no more aid than that, he coiled back on himself and piaffed.  Piaffed as if it was as easy to do that as to breathe, as if he was born piaffing, as if this moment was what we born to do, and all we were meant to be.  I found myself holding my breath, and he remained as smooth and as powerful and as rhythmic as before, giving me 110% of himself that moment.  I felt as if I could have asked him to do anything--fly, perhaps, even--and he would have given it to me, without question or regret.  Instead I managed to breathe out (softly, softly) and he danced forward into a round, giving collected trot. 

I don't remember much else of that ride.  That was enough to blow my mind, and occupy my thoughts for pretty much ever after.

I was a misfit at that very warmblood-y barn, and it makes me laugh a little to think of it now, with my crass old monster and the warmblood girls I have now.  I wanted to show the trainer what we were doing one day, and asked him for a bit of trot work in the arena...an area he adamantly refused to work in well, understandably (to me) because it brought up memories of unpleasant times.  He was tense and erratic, and offered to throw me rather dramatically several times.  Her thoughts were that I needed to ride him firmly into the bit, and put my legs on him until he accepted them.  I sniffled in his stall over that impossibility, and resigned myself to working with the old monster wherever he felt like working.  It was obvious to me that he had no problem doing the work--he just preferred to be doing it somewhere he was not reminded of that previous training (torture) he had to deal with. 

Thoughts of him came to mind today, because when I got home from class I was as usual beating myself up for not being able to ride.  Specifically, not being able to ride well--he forced me into becoming a silent rider, as any crookedness or maltimed aid was literally and liberally punished. Despite the beautiful sun, I was worn out from two required labs, so I curled myself into the couch and tried to rest while my girls ate their late lunch.  Class information fluttered around in my mind as I set my phone for a few minutes' nap.

And then--suddenly--I sat up and swore out loud.  Almost a year and change ago I had my seizure.  All of my riding since the seizure has been marked by core instability, balance issues, pain, and vertigo.  All stuff typical of damage from neurological illnesses, sometimes seizures, always Lyme. 

I found myself putting together pieces.  Not only have I been diagnosed with chronic Lyme, with neurological manifestations, but I had a beeping seizure, for goodness' sake!  No wonder I have been dealing with such an inability to ride the way my mind remembers my body being able to. 

I sat back down on the couch, and the connections kept coming.  I spent Saturday - Tuesday in a fetal position, as my Lyme had woken up enough to ensure that simply walking from my bedroom to the bathroom was a nigh impossible task.  Today was the first day I actually felt mobile after that ordeal, and here I was as usual, beating myself up about not being able to ride. 

I suddenly felt sympathy for my poor, ravaged body.  Here it is beaten to a pulp by this mysterious disease and all my mind can do is hurl criticisms about lacking the ability/will power to ride.  And I remained so focused on what I had lost that I couldn't understand the why of losing it--all I could focus on is how exhausting it is for me to ride a walk and a small trot.  Snippets of last summer popped up, when I haranged my schoolmistress into toting me about in walk/trot classes, as I had for literally the first time ever in my life the opportunity to show, and no matter what physical price I had to pay I wanted to go!  We did, and she tolerated my clumsiness and incoordination and stressful arguments and whatever else indignities that I heaped upon her broad back.  I realize--and now understand--that I was not physically capable of riding like I did in the past.  My upper level schoolmistress did not look like the imposing 17 hand statue of carefully bred Holsteiner muscle and fire she is--she was quiet and soft and ridiculously tolerant of every glaring error.  And when we finished last in our class--repeatedly--she could care less about the fact that I was reduced to a shaking, trembling heap by the effort of riding about the ring, and stepped under me when I felt vertigo overweight my body to one side, and carried me safely (and oh so primly) out of the ring. 

While for months what I felt was embarrassment that I had let my horse down by not giving her a ride comparable to her quality, I finally understood what those odd, darkly colored low ribbons mean to me: victory.  We went out despite my illness, despite the seizure that left me a shaking, unbalanced wreck.  To the casual observer, we outwardly appeared like the other competitors.  Only she knew the amount of effort that riding in a show cost me, and the amount of grace necessary on her part that allowed me to do so. 

I am glad for those memories I have made with the old monster--those graceful, educated, and freely given movements that define dressage to me, and his terrible, all consuming demand for silence on my part.  The courage he gave me on those rides allowed me to be able to ignore the less educated indvidiuals' noisy opinions that he was sound when he actually was subtly and slightly off, despite loud contentions to the contrary which blamed my ignorance and inability and unwillingness to "just ride him". His moments of trust despite the torture he endured gave me confidence to trust my intuition around my horses, and to trust that silent mesh of feeling between myself and my equine partner before listening to any so-called advice.  It allowed me to shrug off an abusive marriage and ignore the million naysayers whining that I would never make it into medical school.  What he drilled into me is still there, and it comes out on a daily basis as I claw my way out of the depths of this debilitating, frightening disease. 

Today I was able to do the most mundane of tasks--get out, dress and pack for school, and attend two required labs.  I was unable to do any of that a few days ago.  This month, I will start walking horseback again.  The dauting and exhausting task of preparing my horse and crawling into the saddle is frightening for the amount of effort I know it will cost me. Merely being able to walk around the perimeter of my fenced arena will be as much a victory as my first piaffe, and like that dazzling, immortal moment, one that I will get to share with my closest and best supporter--my horse.

My Engagement Pony is Part Rodent

My Oldenburg/Arab mare is giving me fits.  I think she is part chipmunk, with a high percentage of beaver for good measure.  She likes to eat wood.  Not just nibble on it--but flat out chew. 

She ignores her multiple stall toys.  I have made the unfortunate joke that I literally need to keep fresh pine tree limbs in her stall to occupy her. 

My horses are fed at least four times a day.  Most of the time, it is closer to five, as I like to split their hay feedings into three portions.  They are out on their dry lot literally as much as physically possible.  As pampered TB broodmares on pasture have ulcers at the rate of 60%, I guess ulcers could be a possibility--but I honestly don't know what I would do about it.  All of my horses are on a limited grain scheme--they get the serious bulk of their calories via beet pulp, with a small amount of grain for the trace minerals and tastiness.  What else can I do????  She is not sensitive anywhere on her body that would make me think GI discomfort. 

And yet Magpie loves to chew on any kind of wood.  She is currently gleefully stripping trees.   She ignores her scrumptious hanging Jimmy ball (which all of the other mares go gaga for...and she ignores) and likes to nibble on the framing of her stall.

Not only is this annoying me to no end, but I am frazzled thinking about physical injuries to her mouth and GI tract, plus potential poisoning, and that is not even touching the factoid that my oh so impressionable Dutch filly thinks it is SO FUN to copy her.  Z.O.M.G.

While studying this morning, I suddenly thought of a solution.  A wire grazing muzzle.  Poor Magpie.  This is going to be interesting (insert evil, doxycycline fueled laugh).

In other news, I am going to bite the bullet to purchase a small digital camera.  Nothing special or really fancy---I want something small and portable that just takes better pictures than my Blackberry.  So hopefully I will have pictures to post soon (yay) because it is just too much to deal with uploading pictures from the phone.  Now back to pathology...

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
—Naomi Shihab Nye

Whoa

For the first time ever in my entire LIFE I am happy that Spring Break is OVER.  If that doesn't clue you in to what a sopping mess this last week has been, I don't know what will!  Having dealt with things like:

• horse issues that involved a retained molar that abscessed out (the Dutch filly is a saint, and I am so happy that she is going to be my riding partner in a few years!)
• confronting dentists' ridiculous policies designed to terrify children
• a shouting match to beat all shouting matches
• my order of baby chickies arriving over 75% dead (hatchery is reshipping the entire order at no cost...which is why I love them)
• crampy Lyme fingers

I was delighted to be able to close the door on everyone else's life yesterday and just deal with my own drama.  I managed to clean stuff, take a walk on foot with two of my girls (they were EXCITED, ZOMG) and little E., and dig out my old Sega Genesis and N64 for some old skool game relief.  And I found my clippers, which have been missing for almost two years (yeah....).

Now if only my pharm would just go learn itself, I would be golden. 

A Moment or Two of Silence

Due to various issues with Lyme and family, I am going to not write for some time.  I will probably be back after the Kill 3 exam (Path, Pharm, Immuno).

and it all went bad

Just like that.

In which I made an A and fell off the map for 3 days

Friday's Phys exam was an A.  And I think I am just now awake.  Now since it is after 1 am and I see my vet in a few some hours, I need to sleep.  Without zombie nightmares, k thanx.

Flagyl, the Magic Weight Loss/Endless Sleep Pill

There, I said it.  That chalky white nastiness that I am taking once a day has so totally killed my appetite that weight has been disappearing.  My mother came by the other day and complained about feeling my shoulder blades.  My awesome deerskin chaps zip up without a problem.  My breeches are too bleeping big. 

The stuff gives a Herx like no other.  Let me give you a symptom list:
paresthesias...on my arms and legs, sometimes as if there is some invisible mini person pricking me with a pin, othertimes as if there is a bug crawling on me
depression...big, black and honkingly nasty
evil attitude...I blame this one mostly on the doxy, dude
vertigo...this Herx is making me standing up a bad idea.  I was debating about going to my therapist appt and then my ECE....and then I stood up (bad idea).  The room started spinning, I crawled back into the covers on the couch, and started making alternative plans for the day (who to call, how to get to the rest room, etc.)
and did I mention the no appetite?  yeah.  none. 
comatose fatigue...I have literally slept from 330 pm Monday till 2 or 3 pm this afternoon.  Mike was able to get me up a couple of times to eat, go to the bathroom, and to give me my shot (which to add insult to injury, hurt bad).  Still.  That is ridiculous. 

But after every Herx comes an improvement in function.  And given that I clouted the Behavioral Med exam on Monday, and barely missed the minimum grade on the Pharm exam (we are talking like two questions) due to MATH (normally my beloved little pet, but when I am sick, always a downfall), I think the resolution of this baby will lead to better brain times and please God some riding. 

On the horse front, my Holsteiner mysteriously cut her leg.  The turnout is mud, mud, mud, just a perfect germy paradise.  I found I have wrapping skills out the wazoo, because I can wrap good while being woozy.  And the ding-dong Trak mare's gaskin injury is acting up--she is now on stall rest.  I am going to drop by vet's tomorrow for abx for the two of them, and may have the vet come out on Monday to look at them (until then it's wraps for the two of them. Be still my heart.)

Belles, the Trak, has discovered the joys of Uncle Jimmy's Hangin Balls.  She is covered in goo.  That is one grooming catastrophe I am just not going to deal with right now...especially since I have my final physiology exam on Friday. 

Girlfriend

The amazing footless wonder. 
Alternative title: why my old chickencoop sucks in cold weather.
Or: why young chickens are stoopid, and get their feet wet in like zero degrees, and stand out in the snow until they get psycho frostbite all over their feet, and their feet like die and fall off, and I so don't need pet chicken number 4, but when you have that many, what does another matter? 

I need to make a prize for run-on sentences and award it to myself.  'Cause despite my bacc'l degree in English, I can still writes myself an awesome one. 

Anyway.  Girlfriend's main priority today is keeping me company while I study for the 3 exams that separate me from official I-am-staying-home-all-week, also known as Spring Break for other students that do not have Lyme. 

But...on the HARDEST exam of year one, the monstrous renal physiology exam, I made an 85%.  That is a B enroute to an A, fellow peeps.  A fabulous B.  A pimptastic B. 

And after that score, I honestly did not give a flying patootie that I was sick for the balance of the week.  Who cares if my Tuesday was Migraine Day, that Wednesday was Migraine Hangover+Flagyl Issues Two'fer instead of Hump Day, that my should have been humdrum Thursday with annoying OPP checkout turned into Baby Horse was colicky, I ate nothing until 7 pm, got sick and sniffly in lab (due in large part, I think, to prof getting upset that I was describing cranial flexion as expansion instead of lengthening towards the feet...welllll, there is no huge expansion in stride length combined with a power increase, so it ain't a lengthening in my book, thanx), and wanted to jump off a bridge day? 

Nah. Baby Horse was ok, and I made an 85 on the hardest exam of first year. 

And only 3 exams are between me and a week of being sick with no responsibilities.  Yes. 

27 hours of sick (be forewarned...depressing!)

Unfortunately, that was not a typo.  27 hours of sick is exactly that: from 4 pm yesterday when I crawled into bed fully dressed to 7 pm tonight when I finally managed to untangle myself from the heated blanket on the couch.  There were some moments when I felt ok--somehow I made it to the couch from the bed in order to eat some chickens wings, for example--but there were a lot of zomg I am going to fall the *beep* over!!! when ever I tried to stand up.  (And if you have never experienced those moments when you are afraid you cannot stand because your legs are buckling under you, well, I admit to being kind of jeaulous.  Because they are not fun.)

Luckily, luckily, I had been working like a crazy person on studying.  I missed a required lab, but am going to see if I can get it excused becaues of the Lyme-wakeup-symptoms. Losing an 8 hour shift of homework sucks, royally, but I may be able to crawl out of it, as I have being working relentlessly. 

The weather has been ridiculously beautiful here, and I am stuck inside unable to do anything.  And it sucks.  Sucks because I want to go outside.  Sucks because I know I only have X amount of energy, and it has to be spent studying. 

And it is not fun to be studying exercise physiology, and being reminded of all the dreams that I have lost because of this Lyme beast--of running, biking, swimming, not to mention riding...all of the things that I felt defined me.  I am not going to go on in this vein, because I have a chunk of studying still to go and am making myself even more peeved. 

But damn.  Lyme sucks. 

Maybe it was something I ate...

Because in the space of a weekend, I have gone completely nocturnal.  Not just oh, I like to study late and then go to bed.  No.  Try I like to start my actual thinking day at 4 pm and don't feel like sleeping until it is very bright outside.  Hearing roosters crowing while I am studying is feeling normal. 

Is this Flagyl?  Is this like a preview of a psycho upcoming Herx? 

I don't know.  I honestly don't know if I am giving a flying fig, because I feel like my study time is being productive.  For example: last night I was doing some renal, and thinking to myself that while the professor was talking about how this was difficult conceptually, my favorite physics topic was non-Euclidean geometry.  Interactive thingy to show difference  explanation 1 explanation 2  It is really weird stuff, but very cool to think about. 

While med school is hard, it ain't no Lobachevskian geometry (yeah, not technically correct, but who cares??). :)

Dr. Seuss

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. 

Some come from ahead
and some come from behind.

But I've bought a big bat.
I'm all ready you see.

Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me!

(Note: My bat is called 400 mg doxycycline and 500 mg Flagyl/day with 1.2 million units of Bicillin LA as deep IM once a week!)

From Nice and Super Relaxing to Uh Oh in 30 s.!

So this morning I crawled out of bed, determined to get the abx down and to take the Trakehner, Boo, for a walk.  I have been craving horse time to no end---there is nothing like being physically un-freaking able to do anything with the expensive hay burners outside to make you desperately desire to do more with them!! 

Anyway, I stuffed a pocket full of gluten free crackers, grabbed my coffee cup and stumbled the fifteen steps to the girls.  Everyone got a flake of hay, except for Boo.  Being a verrrrry opinionated girl, I had to cajole her down the driveway with the cooing idea of grass (her super opinionated self is why she was capable of convincing people that she was not rideable....she just happens to be super sensitive and totally uncapable of dealing with any fitting issues.  Period.).  A few minutes later, she was cheerfully nibbling on a little bit of grass by the side of the road while I was drinking my coffee and eating a few crackers.  Perfect.

Then...I happened to look up by my house, in time to see a very large, very upset, very obnoxious mare prancing around, squawking her head off for Boo.  I sighed.  My morning was about to get waaay more interesting, very quickly.  Boo and I watched nonchalantly as the Sofa Monster cavorted past the gates, pranced past my car, trotted veryfast down the driveway and somehow ended up on the extremely narrow strip of ground between the electric fence and a steep bank beside the road.  I cannot justify to myself how such a big obnoxious creature managed to fit in a small space without shocking the snot out of herself, but she did.  And it was ridiculous. 

While this display of abominable behavior was going on, Boo and I were slowly making our way the 20 feet along the roadside to the beginning of the driveway.  Rude obnoxious super big mare somehow pivoted 360 degrees in said narrow space to follow us back to the stalls, squawking about how we were so awful to leave her behind.  Ugh. 

Boo got tucked in with a little extra hay to nibble, and I managed to rehang the gate the Sofa had lifted off its hinges and left hanging by its chain while she demonstrated her superior atheletic skills and herd bound qualities.  I put her away with no fuss, as the mare she routinely beats the snot out of (and obviously cannot live without) was back next to her. 

Wait.  It gets better. 

I then went to let the chickens out. I really enjoy my little outside hens...they are super cute and funny and like to follow me places.  I opened the basement door and pulled the hose out, intending to water the horses, and accidentally left the door open. 

I took a scoop full of water to the hens, and was admiring them in all their fluffy hen-ness, when I got the feeling I was being watched. And I was.  By my mass-chicken-murdering Husky cross, who was poised in the open basement door, evaluating how many chickens were loose. 

I screamed for him, and started my panting way up the hill.  Of course, the turdball turned around and pranced up by the car, waving his tail gleefully.  He was determined that he was going to have a fabulous morning! 

Luckily, I had skanky old meat wrapping by the stairs to rattle for him, and he came at warp speed (miraculously without killing anything!).  I gave him several treats for coming in, leaned against the fall for a few minutes as I was panting with exertion, and fed the ponies breakfast. 

I then did 2 hours of homework, met with my favorite person at school, dealt with a friend's Lyme entertainment, and then came home to do insane amounts of homework.  I think I need stronger coffee, with an IV drip, post haste, because the stuff I'm drinking did not prepare me for all that!

alyson1derland: Good Day!

Yesterday, I had a fantastic day. I felt wonderful! I went on a mad cleaning spree and laughed at the thought that no one has ever been so happy to be cleaning the bathroom. I made it through the whole day without having a nasty "Lyme crash." My energy level stayed constant, which is rather unusual for this disease. I took two extra long bath breaks so I would be forced to rest a while.

I am starting to have more good days. I am through the Herx from my new medicine and now I've just started my two week medicine break. No two days in a row are ever the same with Lyme, but I'm very hopeful for more good days!

Slowly

Sometimes I can almost forget that I have Lyme.  I can think kind of clearly, feed the ponies, and do my studying.  And then there are days like today, when I feel like someone hit me with a bag of bricks.  For someone who desperately clings to any shred of getting better, I find that days like today really do a number to my motivation. 

I have insane test phobia about anything to do with anatomy.  My mind goes *blank*.  It is as if the lightswitch in my brain turns OFF.  The hours of studying are still stacked there, but without a light it is impossible to see the information.

Out of the bad has come some good--I stumbled into a really great learning advisor at school, and she has been wonderfully encouraging.  And--she believes in Lyme.  Zomg!  She actually believes that this is real, that I am not just making up smack to explain my sucky test performances in between the Bs. 

I brought in my notes, calendar, and planner to show her last week.  I think she was a little surprised at the level of organization, but was pleased that I am so organized.  I explained my pet PEEVE: my studying is the same for the Bs and the bads.  It is the brain function that is different! 

At least now I have someone that I feel is on my side who spends the time working with me, figuring out how to work with this prison-body/mind complex.  (Instead of spending the time breaking me down!!)

Exam tomorrow on OMT.  I think it is going to be good, despite the Lyme brick symptoms of today.  I gave myself as much rest as my body needed, and when I was ready, I began to study. And was pleasantly surprised with what I remembered.  :)

Negativity

I have to admit that I have become a serious pessimist.  My thoughts are never what if this works? but are what if this doesn't work?  What if I can't do it?  Then I get caught in some wild circle of upset-ness and work myself into a fit of being convinced that I can't do snot. 

My bf called me on this, big time, tonight. He pointed out that despite studying like a mofo for forever, I was convinced that I was going to fail the test--no questions asked.  That was allowing myself to go ahead into some dark pessimistic place and never come out...and entertain things like should I quit school?  Is this too much?  etc.

Being a very smart man, he pointed out the oddity of me going through all the hoops to get into med school and to get my Lyme diagnosis....at the same time.  That the reality of the situation was that I am in a very good place to spread knowledge about this disease (and after a moment, I had to admit that yeah I know for a fact that at least the administration at my school knows about this disease...probably most of my classmates.  So that is what, maybe 500 or so people who maybe didn't take Lyme seriously before and now possibly consider it as a real diagnosis?).  And in that light, with those numbers, this fight seems to be a seriously good thing. 

Gearing up for the battle tomorrow...and thinking of Sun Tzu.  And how I intend to march myself home tomorrow night, take a short nap, get prepped for class, and actually go to school for the first time this year beyond required stuff.  You heard that right!!---I am going to class because I am feeling better.  Hal-e-freaking-lujah. 

Who, Me?

I am going to take a moment to vent.  Just a bit. 
I had a really rough round of exams during our last celebration of learning.  I have been coping with a less than proficient quitting (ahem, learning) counselor with school, and she has been dropping some not very subtle hints that I should just take a leave from school and not come back.  She actually suggested that I might like to go to vet school instead.  Even despite leaving out a lot of our other conversations, I think it is pretty easy to see why I do not enjoy speaking with her.  I feel as if every meeting basically focuses on her agenda instead of mine--and we don't end up going over what I actually need help with as we get sidetracked into c-beep that my life pretty much is.  Anyway, right after I finished six hours of excruciating torment, I ran into Seed's office and made an appointment to go over some diagramming techniques.  (Note...I am referring to her as Seed with all gleeful and due respect, as I am certified obsessive nut about gardening, and she had the new Seed Saver's Exchange catalog on her desk.  I think that was a pretty obvious sign that this was a good move!). 

Fast forward till yesterday.  I got an email from the secretary for the quitting advisor.  QA wanted to go over some test analysis with me because of my poor performance on the last exams.  Well....wait just one moment.  If QA actually gave a flying fig about my situation, wouldn't it have behooved her to perhaps contact me to work on something when we don't have T minus 3 school days before our next celebration of learning?  Seriously.  Thinking about it now makes me wonder if she was planning to work me up into a crying fit (which would resolve with an episode of panicky freaking out at my house).  Yeah, great idea considering how little time is left. 

It was with great pleasure that I advised the secretary I had already taken care of the issue and have an appointment with Seed for the following day (which she books 2 1/2 weeks in advance because everyone wants to see her...another good sign). 

I grumpily called my mom.  She, being very smart, pointed out that no one at this school has ever seen me perform at my full potential.  All they have to go off of is the performance of one really sick student.  And she actually wants me to write a letter complaining of QA's comments so that it would go in her file.  Maybe if I start swinging some sweet work off of our next COL (celebrations of learning) I might consider that.  Then again it might just be more fun to think about riding

because

my new saddle came yesterday!  Granted, I didn't get to see it until about midnight, because I went to sleep around 7ish and woke up around 1145.  It is insanely, insanely light and has some seriously gorgeous leather.  I set it on my big saddle stand and of course had to sit in it...and I think it will be a very good fit for me and the girls.  I will have to try and tack someone up to show it off.  :)
***that is probably not going to happen till after exams, cause if I get distracted doing something right now, I am going to get tired, and then will not get more hw done.  Bad.  Very Bad.

zomg, YAY LYME!

For the first time ever I think I can actually say YAY LYME!  My brand spankin new custom deerskin chaps that I picked up for a song....zip up over my favorite (now loose) breeches!  This means I will need to maybe look at getting a pair of paddock boots, but who cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay

Neuro all outlined and printed.  Now I am filling in the blanks.  Pictures may be drawn in tonight or tomorrow.  Goal down!

The other goal today is to get as much of the physio typed up as possible.  Then if I possibly have any energy left, to fill in the blanks. 

And it is finally kind of warm outside.  I'm actually feeling *kind of ok*!!!!!  And....I want to be outside playing with my ponies.  Something.  Other.  Than.  Working.  In.  My.  Study.  Room. 

yowch

yeah.  nuff said. 

Babies teach you...

Lots of things.  Like how FUN it is to get out of fences!  And how FUN it is to eat silage!  All in freezing weather!

Things like...
how hair looks better with a swirl of beetpulp
how to dirtify a jacket in 30 seconds
30 ways to throw brushes into other stalls
why it is better to sleep on blankets than leave them hanging
ninety kinds of pig noises while eating breakfast and dinner mush
how to insert mystery pieces of hay into hair and clothing which miraculously re-appear during lab
why it is a good idea to always paint your nails a dark color
the necessity of overalls

and nine other bajillion things.

Babies are funny.  They are always experiencing things for the first time and are constantly wondering, hey can I do this?  Get away with that?  Do this anyway, even if you don't like it? 

All of the mares know which stall is theirs.  This makes feeding super easy, as I can just drop the gate and let them all in. 

Baby Horse enjoyed complicating Magpie's life as she is kind of sort of higher than her on the dominance bossy situation.  So she would gleefully scoot into Magpie's stall first, scarf three bites of her mush and then high tail it to her stall once I had let everyone in.  I prevented that by locking Magpie's stall for a few days, and dealing with the poor girl standing there sighing at me to hurry up. 

A few days ago, Mike had a bucket of wood chips by the fence.  Baby Horse grabbed the bucket handle and took off, managing to spill all the chips and toss the bucket who knows where.  She is also enjoying dragging any sticks, tools, or whatnot into the field and disappearing with it.  We solved that one by getting a super strong fence charger. 

I am ordering a Hoof Jack to help me with getting the girls' feet done.  I can just think of all the things that Baby Horse will try to do with that thing...

Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No

This is such a roller coaster of ups and downs.  Last week I felt really god awful during exams and refused to check the exam results.  Period.  I knew they were going to be...icky...and I just was not ready to see that.  I wanted not to have to deal with the stress of school and just to curl up in bed and let the world forget about me.

A week later...while not feeling fabulous, my mood has definitely improved.  I did what I like to refer to as good-bad on my exams....good enough to still pass the class.  :) It's funny to watch my grades cycle, as I do good-bad when I am not feeling well and then high Cs to middle Bs when I am feeling ok (case in point: BC with a 75, 60, and 85).  That is some serious grade fluctuation, all without changing studying habits.  Oh well.

Anywho, the classes are still passable.  I had a good practical today, with a nice patient and me remembering to frame what I needed to do before I went in.  I think I did everything ok, which was nice, and I remembered to do everything.  The real shocker: I got to DO everything before time ran out, and even got to redo the one test that I was not right on! Woot!!

So 'tis been a good day. 

On to horse stuff.
So I think on Saturday I am going to visit Melyni Worth and her Knabstruppers.  I am debating signing a contract for Colorado Skodstrup, a leopard Knab who finished his 70 day stallion testing this November.  They have a nice breeding special going on with a LCF guarantee.  However, with the chance of only ONE FOAL from Sophie, I really want to be careful what stallion I pick and if I am going to go with a Knab, them I definitely want color.  I have too many bays!!!  I am going to see offspring of pretty much all the stallions available here in the US this weekend, plus get Ms. Worth's opinions on my various mares and potential crosses for them. 

In silly mare news, Boo pulled her light stable blanket off the side of her stall and peed on it.  Isn't that just kyoot?  Um, yeah.  Not. 

I also was a super total brat...and bought a Freemax Acavallo GP/Jumping saddle off Ebay.  For like half of what it should be new, with fittings and some different tree arches.  I have a Heather Moffett that really is the only reason I can ride a little bit....it is super soft and does not hurt me to sit on it, plus it fits my wide girls.  The Freemax is made in Italy with one piece injection foam, and is supposed to mold really well to the horse.  It looks a little more GP/jumpy than my HM, which is really a VSD (versatility dressage) type saddle.  So bad me, but I really want to do a little bit of riding and big cantering and some weeny fences this summer....so need something that is more "jumpy".  Plus, I got a great deal on it! 

Soooo...what am I putting off because of this purchase?  Let me tell you...
1. I am going to wait to have my chaps resized.
2. I am going to wait to send my 2 pairs of boots off to Vogel to have them cut down, resized, have zippers put in, etc.
3. I am going to wait to purchase another nice bridle.  Boo on this, but oh well. 
4. I am going to call about my tax return tomorrow.  :)  Have needed to do that for forever, and that alone will pretty much pay for the saddle.  So yay me.  :)
5. And I think....think....that I will wait to sign any stallion contract till August, because I do not want to breed until late summer/early fall.  The only decent warm season here is summer and that is when I want the baby to arrive. 

Chicken Drama

So I am having chicken issues.  I have a drafty, crapola backyard dog breeding shed that I have converted to use temporarily for my chickens.  However, even with a major heat light, I am still having problems with the birds getting too cold?

How cold, you ask?  Cold enough to have to think about prosthetic chicken feet. 

I have 3 house chickens.  All are Belgian Bearded D'Uccles, which is an abominably cute breed with no tolerance to cold.  The rooster gets sniffles if he gets in any kind of a draft or if the house temp drops below 50 degrees. 

Needless to say, the bf is not thrilled about another house chicken.  Much less a house chicken that will grow up to be a full size chicken in less than a year.  Right now, she is about the size of a full grown bantam.  That will change soon.

How did this happen?!---let me fill you in.  I have been losing toenails off of my birds because of the ridiculous cold.  I have taken to locking the girls up 24/7 to keep them out of the snow.  This works most of the time.  Then I feel sorry for them and let them out for an afternoon and someone always gets cold.  The older hens that have made it through a winter do not have problems with anything--they step outside and then come right back in.  It is the babies, like this one, that just do not have the experience to know when too much is too much. 

I think this particular baby got herself wet in the water dish and did not think to get herself dry.  So perhaps she went out and played in the snow while she was wet.  Or stood in the water (despite single digit temps outside) and pecked bits of corn or something out of it.  I don't know.  All I know is that her feet are totally frozen, totally zombie-fied, up to an including about a half inch of her actual LEG. 

Now...if I was not a sucker for chickens, I would just take the machete and end this particular pullet's problems.  If I cannot think of a reasonable solution that will keep her comfortable, I will make the bf do so anyway.  To note: the bf and the dad say chopping block.  I say that the hen is still eating comfortably, drinking water, and has no signs of not wanting to live anymore. 

I have rehabbed a hen from serious, should have ended her life soft tissue injuries to her legs (she has squashed by a dog and could not stand).  I was almost through rehabbing a chick from a seizure injury to her leg when she was eaten by something (GR!!).  So rehab is really not an issue in my mind. 

This is the question: do I want another house chicken? 
A: Not really, but if it necessary fine.  She will HAVE to have a diaper though. 

In my mind, there are a couple of things to consider when trying to make prosthetic feet for a chicken.  First is that the surface area really does not need to be THAT big...just stable. 
1. ease of putting on and removal--means fabric or something soft, like a pencil grip
2. ease of cleaning--nuff said
3.interface with leg--the replacement has to be soft to ensure the comfort of the bird.
With that, I am brainstorming with a super smart mechanical engineering undergrad I know in a couple of hours. 

Picture of prosthetic 1 would NOT upload.  GR x 2.

alyson1derland: One Day...

One day, I shall utter the words, "I am cured!"

The Pause

I finished the week of awfulness today, passing the OPP checkout with a 10/12.  I was beyond gleeful when my head to toe practical yesterday was rescheduled to the weather forecast of snowzilla (which didn't happen, double yay).  I think my physio test went ok but the neuro was definitely *not good*.  The grades are out, but I honestly have not checked and am not in the mood to do so right now.  I know the neuro is going to make me want to curl up in bed and not get out.  Ever.

This week really made me wonder why I am doing this to myself. Medical school is not cool.  It is not fun.  It is a variety of torture in which you cram insane amounts of information into your brain and hopefully spit it out again correctly.  This is difficult enough when your brain works right, much less when your brain is like mine and does not. 

So I am really upset because I am thinking that I will have to remediate neuroanatomy this summer.  There are only two exams in the class, and if I really blew up this one, then there is just no way to recover.  That thought has been really depressing me this week, and it carried over into my clinical skills written.  Just yuck. 

The only slightly good news is that the recovery period from this exam round was really a lot shorter than the previous ones.  I only had one day of having to sleep 20 hours, and albeit grumpy today, was able to pass the last exam ok.  I got my calendar and planner sorted out for the next exam, and touched base with a different (and better) learning advisor to help me work on strategy and whatnot.  (I was having definite issues with the other one!!)

Tomorrow, homework.

The Day

A 6 hour exam today.  Two exams tomorrow.  One on Wednesday and one on Thursday.  My week is crammed full of things that I don't practicularly like. 

I am waffling between fear and quiet determination for the exam this morning.  I am kind of reeling from all the personal drama that has exploded onto my life in the past month, and it is definitely making my Lyme flare, which of course is making school nearly impossible.

I realized the other day that I just do not give up.  Period.  Sometimes I think that habit of stubborness is the only thing that is really getting me through this illness. Oh well. 

Since I need a lot of time before the 8 am exam to get my brain in order, I think I am just going to stay up (that is really, really bad for a lot of reasons...) but f it.  I am not stressed about the rest of the exams, and if I can spend the next six hours combing through my notebooks, I know I will feel better about taking that beast at 8. 

Send me your good thoughts this week.  I so need them.  And as a favor, I will be posting a picture of my hand with the duct tape and Star wars custom cushioning bandages to prevent pen owies for your review.  Sometime.  Hopefully.

Chipping Away

That pretty much describes my day.  I woke up, fed the girls, met my mom as she had some of my meds.  Went to WalMart (and spent way too much money, haha), to my mailbox at school, the bank and then home.  Picked stalls (yay) and fed girls again.  Ate dinner with mom and then she had to leave.  Fooled around on the internet and then finally got cracking on physio.

Winning Weirdness of the Day:
realized I LIKE physio because it reminds of me of physics. :)

Tomorrow may bring a more grammatically correct entry. 

Current Rx

I forgot to post my current Rx:

• 3 shots of 1.2 million units of Bicillin LA per week
• 3 pulses of 400 mg of doxycycline per week
• 3 days of Flagyl (1 continual pulse) once a month (forget exact dose...I <3 Lyme brain!)

Anywho, exam schedule:

• Monday: physio and neuro
• Tuesday: clin skills
• clin skill practical and head to toe practical are also sometime next week, but not up yet :(

You would think that with so much upcoming fun, I would be glued to my homework.  But nooooooo!!! I am suffering from buzy-ness on steroids.  I can't get my brain to *just* chill and think about getting stuff done.  GR.

Lyme Roulette

I spent the weekend curled up in a ball on the couch with my neck and my shoulders on fire.  It was literally everywhere I have my trapezius muscle.  Everywhere. 

I <3 Wikipedia 24/7 bc they always have what I need!

It hurt insanely.  I took otc pain pill after pill, trying to just get the edge of it off.  The amount of pain would not change.  I felt as if there were hooks inserted under my skin and were pulling chunks of tissue off of my back.  I yawned when I took my Bicillin shot because it didn't even come close to how my back felt.  (That, FYI, is insanity.)

I thought about going to the local clinic for some better pain meds.  Then I thought about how it was going to be a total PITA to try and get soemone to believe me.  I thought about calling my regular doctor.  To do so I could have to rotate my head...no.  I would NOT do that. 

So I spent 48 hours with my head and neck swathed in a heating pad, heating blanket, or ice pack, depending on the time.  And then, just as mysteriously as it started, the pain slipped away.  This morning it had dialed itself down from a 15 (in a scale of 1-10) to about a 4.  As I got up and carefully drank coffee and ate some pistachios and a banana, it eased back a bit more.  Now, there is still an occasional twinge, but that inability to move anywhere is gone.

That is the fun of Lyme.  You never know when or where or how it will hit.  As it has been quite some time since I had my last attack like that, I really am wondering about its oh so convenient onset after my doxycycline pulse.  Oh yes. 

As I have four exams coming up next week, I am not even going to consider pulsing doxy again until they are damn well over with.  I honestly cannot be waking up with that magnitude of pain out of the blue.  I can manage if I don't have something absolutely necessary to do, but yick, I am not playing Lyme Roulette! 

Possessiveness

Possession is 9/10 of the law, according to the old saying.  Today, according to my two male dogs, possession of me is most important.  I have a McKenzie Husky and a young Maremma.  The Maremma was supposed to be guarding sheep but liked to follow other dogs home.  His owners dropped him off at their vet with orders to euthanize or whatever.  He is a good guy.  They just both want me, and don't want to share.

Initially I thought it was just a question of dominance quibbling.  My bf pointed out my error....after the yelping, growling, blood spattering (no serious injuries) fight, as I approached the door to the kitchen, the husky got extremely upset.  Keep in mind that the Maremma had used him to mop the floor just a few minutes previously.

I know the husky is very possessive of me in particular...when I had him over visiting some friends, he nipped the little girl on the arm for jumping on me and trying to wrestle.  He had been lying quietly on the floor as I requested both before and after the incident. Another example is putting him to bed.  I have a bed for him at the foot of my bed, and clip him to a tie there for the night.  If I am not in bed, he will not settle down and be quiet.  He will yowl, pace and generally make a total nuisance of himself.  He likes to lie in my study room while I am working, and has made a pest of himself after the fight until I settled down in here (and of course, he flopped himself down on his pad and is sulking).

The Maremma would love to do all of the same things.  But I don't let him.  He is really big.  As in small pony size.  And my study room is just too stinkin little. 

I wasn't aware of how intensely the Maremma is feeling his hormones.  He is going to get an appointment to be snipped this upcoming week.  The husky has been snipped for years, but with all the drama of school, I haven't had time to deal with him.

I am feeling rather annoyed, especially since I have a 6 hour exam on Monday afternoon and this took up an hour of my valuable time.  Lesson learned....drama boys need to be separated. 

And we are going to the vet in a few hours, since it is 3 am.  SIGH.