Sunday, May 8, 2011

Holding Pattern

I feel as if I am in a time warp.  My body decided to say F this.  It was EXTREMELY frustrating, as I banked an 87.5 on huge, terrifying exam...and went downward from there, following how I felt every day. 
So what now?  Now...I am just waiting.  Taking my medication.  Thinking about how much I really, really needed a break--but could barely bring myself to ask for a later testing date, even though I had documentation out the wazoo. 

It is strange to be waiting quietly without the overwhelming stress and fear of school.  Fear, specifically, because Lyme is so unpredictable in its effects, and school at this level requires predictability in schedules, sleep, study time, etc.  Fear because I could walk in and with the same preparation almost make an A and the next day barely scrape by, with the only difference being in how I feel. 

I have noticed that my appetite has returned a little with the reduction in stress...I can nibble more often without being afraid that I am going to get sick.  I am beginning to worry that the food issues that came with the doxy and Flagyl entrenched themselves as coping patterns for stress.  I find that on days I am stressed it is extremely difficult to eat--I can barely choke down my coffee and some guacamole.  Literally everything tastes terrible.  Sigh. 

I am counting pills and shots.  Every dose kept down and managed is a step forward.  Hopefully. 

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