tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46891413222538505202024-02-20T11:55:42.933-08:00Lyme BeastLiving my life as best I can under the Lymelight.Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-88385408097317552542012-12-10T15:58:00.001-08:002012-12-10T15:58:30.826-08:00Goodbye 2012This year has been horrific, and I cannot wait to wave goodbye to it in a few weeks. <br />
<br />
2012 was dotted with animal losses, creating a topographical map of sorrow. I lost two schoolmasters to age and pasture injuries, lambs to illness, heat, and parasites, and my ancient inherited Siamese cat to ancient-ness. It sucked. Horribly and absolutely, and I have not been in the mood to write or think or do much of anything, other than try and cope with being ill. <br />
<br />
The only recent good news was my five day trial of Rocephin. <br />
<br />
Rocephin is interesting. It was like Russian roulette, with the options being an amazingly wonderful energy filled day or something out of a horror movie, complete with me having to scream and cry simultaneously from the pain of stomach cramps. Note: having two fabulously wonderful days made the painful days worth it. <br />
<br />
I have also had three migraines while on my course of Rocephin. As I have a lot of neurological complaints, I think it makes sense to connect the dying of Lyme bugs in my head with the mind monsters. I almost typed "headache" instead of migraine, but that is just so wrong on so many levels!<br />
<br />
With the new year I will have more access to the Internet...and thus more writing. In the meantime, I am counting the days.Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-53032740734870220712011-07-04T12:06:00.000-07:002011-07-04T12:06:33.208-07:00Alive...and mostly okSorry for the radio silence. Life has been insanity, and I simply haven't had the energy or will to spare to write here. <br />
<br />
There seems to be an unpward trend in things, especially since I have survived today's challenge of a 20 hour migraine. More on all of that later...Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-33850556157826196202011-05-18T18:29:00.000-07:002011-05-18T18:31:52.112-07:00Ups and DownsUps should maybe be Oops. I wandered up to check on my ducklings today, and found that three of them had been eaten. This was irritating not only in that they were gone, but we had just trapped a humongous raccoon that had taken another duckling a few days ago. There is a lot of OTHER food available for these nasty little carnivores--the streams are full of minnows, crawdads, frogs, and there is a super abundance of mice and other little creepies. This reminds me of last summer, when a single opossum wandered over one night and wiped out twenty baby chicks...not to eat, but just to kill them all and nibble on a few parts for the sheer fun of it. I had fun trapping and getting rid of that one, let me tell you!<br />
<br />
My hoof stand finally came the other day, after being backordered for almost two months. It is a wonderful thing to have a hoof stand!! It was super wonderful to be able to prop up a foot and shape it. It made my life SO MUCH easier. It was funny to see how far I had to set the stand away so I could extend Sophie's humongously long leg though. :) <br />
<br />
Mike stripped stalls for me last night, so all I had to do was kick the sawdust around and look pleased. He is fabulous. <br />
<br />
I found this article....and think it is very accurate. You might want to take a look...<br />
<a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/personal-essays/im-thankful-he-doesnt-get-it/">I'm Thankful He Doesn't Understand</a><br />
I like it a whole lot. <br />
<br />
In Lyme news, I really need to go see my doctor. However, it is kind of hard to go anywhere when 1) your car needs to be repaired from the hydroplaning disaster, 2) you don't feel safe driving beyond a half hour by yourself. Oh yeah, and the fact that I have like zilch money. :) That is a factor too, lol! I am hoping to just be able to afford my medication and groceries by the time school starts again.<br />
<br />
Oh, and school. Yeah. I have to meet with <em>the</em> committee, and the dean gets to make a decision on whether I am allowed to stay. Why? Well, it is rather simple...when you have trouble with classes, you are put on a "watch" list. And if you have trouble with too many, like moi, then you are put under the microscope to determine what to do with you. I have lost so much sleep over this that it isn't funny, as it has compounded my stress level 1000%. For once, however, Lyme is a good thing. It is not like I had trouble because I am not smart enough, or didn't study enough...I have trouble because I am dealing with a psycho illness that enjoys turning life upside down. <br />
<br />
I am waiting on the email to meet with <em>the</em> committee. I feel rather grim about it, as I anticipate being asked all sorts of odd questions. One potential question that throws me into a Flagyl-stoked tizzy is the idea that this year was actually my "second" try. Ummm...when I started medical school last year, I was diagnosed with RA by a rheumatologist who didn't listen to anything I said. Throughout the fall, under his care, I got worse. In December, literally right after my medical leave, I had a seizure. Luckily, I had found a doctor that cared about me and took my symptoms seriously, so I was not forced to endure a seizure in front of people. I had it at home, in front of my medically educated mother (and I think I gave her at least one gray hair over it!). Thank God for small favors, right? Anyway...it makes me see red to try and explain that. I know I will probably have to, so I am trying to focus on explaining the situation clearly and cohesively, and without snarling. No snarling over the inept, crass behavior of uncaring doctors allowed! <br />
<br />
Anyway...what else? I am thinking about taking my bf's niece, E, to a tiny little horse show on Saturday. I have been promising to take her to one for forever, and this is very coincidental timing. I think my 4th level schoolmaster could putz her around a pee wee walk class, right? ;) Hey, the Sopha will do anything for carrots, and I intend to have about ten pounds on hand! :D<br />
<br />
And holy horse snot...you know that I used to be really good at producing a lovely paper? My syntax was always top notch. Now...now I shudder when I look at what I have typed. There are so many errors. My poor brain. :( If anything, that alone is a clue that while I am functioning, I am not like before. Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-30002616259824795582011-05-08T21:29:00.000-07:002011-05-08T21:29:46.415-07:00Holding PatternI feel as if I am in a time warp. My body decided to say F this. It was EXTREMELY frustrating, as I banked an 87.5 on huge, terrifying exam...and went downward from there, following how I felt every day. <br />
So what now? Now...I am just waiting. Taking my medication. Thinking about how much I really, really needed a break--but could barely bring myself to ask for a later testing date, even though I had documentation out the wazoo. <br />
<br />
It is strange to be waiting quietly without the overwhelming stress and fear of school. Fear, specifically, because Lyme is so unpredictable in its effects, and school at this level requires predictability in schedules, sleep, study time, etc. Fear because I could walk in and with the same preparation almost make an A and the next day barely scrape by, with the only difference being in how I feel. <br />
<br />
I have noticed that my appetite has returned a little with the reduction in stress...I can nibble more often without being afraid that I am going to get sick. I am beginning to worry that the food issues that came with the doxy and Flagyl entrenched themselves as coping patterns for stress. I find that on days I am stressed it is extremely difficult to eat--I can barely choke down my coffee and some guacamole. Literally everything tastes terrible. Sigh. <br />
<br />
I am counting pills and shots. Every dose kept down and managed is a step forward. Hopefully. Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-85589589801461604052011-04-26T22:48:00.000-07:002011-04-26T22:48:19.860-07:00Hmphf.Wednesday @ 9 am: Pathology final exam.<br />
Thursday @ 4:55 pm: OPP final practical exam.<br />
Friday @ 8 am: Immuno/TIPC final exams.<br />
<br />
I think I am on the edge of burning out. I feel like I am in this creepy silence, almost in a holding pattern of not feeling/thinking/something. <br />
<br />
Tomorrow, the bank will make a decision about the purchase of dream property. I am afraid. <br />
<br />
I spent almost two hours with the chickens in my sort of garden this evening. That was time I could have spent studying (as is this! ha!), but I had pulled off 4 consecutive hours of quality work and just needed something else. Something different. <br />
<br />
I had four episodes of vertigo, where I literally had to lock my legs and focus on a piece of trash that I wanted to pick up or a weed I wanted to pull. I have a weird memory of the seizure I had in December...I felt as if I was walking along a tightrope in a dark room, and opened a small wooden door into some green open silence. And then I was on the tightrope again, feeling as if I was walking back, and I realized I was looking at my mother (she had grabbed me when she saw me fall so I wouldn't hit my head on the ice). The vertigo kind of felt like that...as if I looked the right way, felt the right way, the path would open up to that door. It was not a good feeling. I did a lot of sitting. <br />
<br />
Having written that odd, more than a little disturbing recollection, I am wondering if my "silent" feelings are related to feeling that path/door route again. I don't know. Don't really want to know either. <br />
<br />
Pretty, the Spitzhauben, did a lot of getting herself totally into whatever I was doing--she was in the hole I was trying to dig, she was scratching dirt, she was sitting in my lap, walking over my legs...just everywhere. After I dug holes with my hand fork to plant the irises, I sat with her and used the fork to dig up small rocks and pieces of trash. <br />
<br />
The lady that owned this place literally kept it as a junkyard. I have found pretty much everything. I have my little camera--I need to post pictures--but school is just over-freaking-whelming. Today I found a butter knife, glass, styrofoam, a buckle, a can, lids, foam padding, quilt batting...the list goes on and on. <br />
<br />
I am going to spend a little time digging there after the exam as a reward. It is so nice to simply be outside, after spending literally a year trapped in my bed and inside the house. Sometimes, I feel as if sleep is a prison as I have spent so much of my time asleep. <br />
<br />
But...this weekend, I am going to ride the old monster. Baby Horse and Teapot went to my mother's house--Baby Horse to get her molar issue examined by another vet, and injectible antibiotics--and old monster came here as he is a cold blooded harpy that lives to harass people he deems inadequate to control him. After hearing about how he has been kicking at people (his trademark!), I was admittedly tense. However, he loaded perfectly, and has been on his best behavior period since he got off the trailer. He needs a serious grooming--he is what, 21? 22? 23? I honestly cannot remember, and would have to look at his papers. He looks to be barely in the double digits and carries himself like a lion. The only evidence of age that I see is a bit of white creeping out of his blaze onto his face. Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-66037409109822023842011-04-26T05:13:00.000-07:002011-04-26T05:13:33.073-07:00alysonAfter a wonderful week off of antibiotics, today I start back up on a new medicine. If I handle it okay, in one week, I add in the dreaded Bactrim, the medicine that dropped me down to 100 lbs, and left me too weak to even walk or crawl to the bathroom. I had to take two months off of treatment until my body was strong enough to try again with a different medicine. <br />
<br />
Am I scared? Yes! Am I ready? Yes! I am much stronger now, both physically and mentally. I enjoyed a wonderful string of days where I felt absolutely fantastic and I got so many things done around the house. Now I'm ready to go back down to Herxtown. <br />
<br />
I don't want to give up my good days, but I'm fighting for my health back and I'm prepared to do what it takes to get it back, even though that means I have to get sick again. I know I can have good days, weeks even--when I feel like my old self again. I am ready to get worse to get better!alyson1derlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293531856749728379noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-59258277688992852892011-04-25T10:20:00.000-07:002011-04-25T10:20:17.756-07:00(sigh)The radio silence since the last post has been due to two things:<br />
1) the monster path, pharm and immuno exam (I passed...hallelujah!)<br />
2) the sheer emotional effort that it took to write the last post. <br />
<br />
I had five exams last week, and four scheduled for this week. I will have something else to say after Friday (we test Weds., Thurs., and Fri.). <br />
<br />
Until then...and miniature Cadbury eggs are the devil. Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-3663486668610866922011-04-14T22:29:00.000-07:002011-04-14T22:52:06.311-07:00UnderstandingEvery day that I have been sick, I have beat myself up for not being able to ride. Not just any riding--but riding on a good day, on my old (now retired) schoolmaster. <br />
<br />
On his dangerously mutable whims, collected gaits were effervescently light--it felt as if we barely touched the ground. Our lateral work floated along on a soft rein, as he demanded the majority of his aids be through seat, leg, and weight. On his bad, irritable days, he broke my bones. He would not tolerate an incorrectly applied aid, nor one that he thought was too harsh--and anything above a whisper was often met with violent eruptions that ended with me on the ground.<br />
<br />
Granted, he had dealt with a variety of strange techniques, such as his previous owner tying his head to his shoulder and chasing him around a round pen to teach him that "he can go forward with his head in any position." With the same woman, he was labelled unrideable from October to March as he became "too dangerous" in the cooler weather. The exhaustive lunging warmup she put him through in the warmer weather to "take the edge off", in my opinion, taught him to bide his time until he had a chance to deliver his aggression to his rider. <span style="color: purple; font-size: x-small;"><em>(note: another story, another day: remember Lyme brain!)</em></span><br />
<br />
He was not a gentle horse. But despite his mercurial, unpredictable behavior, I loved him.<br />
<br />
The first time I ever rode piaffe was on him. We hacked away from the barn, and meandered up a hillside to an old cut hayfield--enough time for him to stretch his legs and relax, and allow me some pilot error room in requests. It was one of those fall days where the light stretches down in beams thick enough to cut. We made a game of softly half passing along the edge of the field, playing with the idea of collecting and moving forward and out and up from just the feeling we created together. As we reached the edge of a fold of woodland, the meadow opened out in front of us, and I sighed--the land was beautiful, my horse was listening to me, and everything was just perfect. <br />
<br />
With no more aid than that, he coiled back on himself and piaffed. Piaffed as if it was as easy to do that as to breathe, as if he was born piaffing, as if this moment was what we born to do, and all we were meant to be. I found myself holding my breath, and he remained as smooth and as powerful and as rhythmic as before, giving me 110% of himself that moment. I felt as if I could have asked him to do anything--fly, perhaps, even--and he would have given it to me, without question or regret. Instead I managed to breathe out (softly, softly) and he danced forward into a round, giving collected trot. <br />
<br />
I don't remember much else of that ride. That was enough to blow my mind, and occupy my thoughts for pretty much ever after.<br />
<br />
I was a misfit at that very warmblood-y barn, and it makes me laugh a little to think of it now, with my crass old monster and the warmblood girls I have now. I wanted to show the trainer what we were doing one day, and asked him for a bit of trot work in the arena...an area he adamantly refused to work in well, understandably (to me) because it brought up memories of unpleasant times. He was tense and erratic, and offered to throw me rather dramatically several times. Her thoughts were that I needed to ride him firmly into the bit, and put my legs on him until he accepted them. I sniffled in his stall over that impossibility, and resigned myself to working with the old monster wherever he felt like working. It was obvious to me that he had no problem doing the work--he just preferred to be doing it somewhere he was not reminded of that previous training (torture) he had to deal with. <br />
<br />
Thoughts of him came to mind today, because when I got home from class I was as usual beating myself up for not being able to ride. Specifically, not being able to ride well--he forced me into becoming a silent rider, as any crookedness or maltimed aid was literally and liberally punished. Despite the beautiful sun, I was worn out from two required labs, so I curled myself into the couch and tried to rest while my girls ate their late lunch. Class information fluttered around in my mind as I set my phone for a few minutes' nap.<br />
<br />
And then--suddenly--I sat up and swore out loud. Almost a year and change ago I had my seizure. All of my riding since the seizure has been marked by core instability, balance issues, pain, and vertigo. All stuff typical of damage from neurological illnesses, sometimes seizures, always Lyme. <br />
<br />
I found myself putting together pieces. Not only have I been diagnosed with chronic Lyme, with neurological manifestations, but I had a beeping <em>seizure</em>, for goodness' sake! No wonder I have been dealing with such an inability to ride the way my mind remembers my body being able to. <br />
<br />
I sat back down on the couch, and the connections kept coming. I spent Saturday - Tuesday in a fetal position, as my Lyme had woken up enough to ensure that simply walking from my bedroom to the bathroom was a nigh impossible task. Today was the first day I actually felt mobile after that ordeal, and here I was as usual, beating myself up about not being able to ride. <br />
<br />
I suddenly felt sympathy for my poor, ravaged body. Here it is beaten to a pulp by this mysterious disease and all my mind can do is hurl criticisms about lacking the ability/will power to ride. And I remained so focused on what I had lost that I couldn't understand the why of losing it--all I could focus on is how exhausting it is for me to ride a walk and a small trot. Snippets of last summer popped up, when I haranged my schoolmistress into toting me about in walk/trot classes, as I had for literally <em>the first time ever</em> in my life the opportunity to show, and no matter what physical price I had to pay I wanted to go! We did, and she tolerated my clumsiness and incoordination and stressful arguments and whatever else indignities that I heaped upon her broad back. I realize--and now understand--that I was not <em>physically capable</em> of riding like I did in the past. My upper level schoolmistress did not look like the imposing 17 hand statue of carefully bred Holsteiner muscle and fire she is--she was quiet and soft and ridiculously tolerant of every glaring error. And when we finished last in our class--repeatedly--she could care less about the fact that I was reduced to a shaking, trembling heap by the effort of riding about the ring, and stepped under me when I felt vertigo overweight my body to one side, and carried me safely (and oh so primly) out of the ring. <br />
<br />
While for months what I felt was embarrassment that I had let my horse down by not giving her a ride comparable to her quality, I finally understood what those odd, darkly colored low ribbons mean to me: victory. We went out despite my illness, despite the seizure that left me a shaking, unbalanced wreck. To the casual observer, we outwardly appeared like the other competitors. Only she knew the amount of effort that riding in a show cost me, and the amount of grace necessary on her part that allowed me to do so. <br />
<br />
I am glad for those memories I have made with the old monster--those graceful, educated, and freely given movements that define dressage to me, and his terrible, all consuming demand for silence on my part. The courage he gave me on those rides allowed me to be able to ignore the less educated indvidiuals' noisy opinions that he was sound when he actually was subtly and slightly off, despite loud contentions to the contrary which blamed my ignorance and inability and unwillingness to "just ride him". His moments of trust despite the torture he endured gave me confidence to trust my intuition around my horses, and to trust that silent mesh of feeling between myself and my equine partner before listening to any so-called advice. It allowed me to shrug off an abusive marriage and ignore the million naysayers whining that I would never make it into medical school. What he drilled into me is still there, and it comes out on a daily basis as I claw my way out of the depths of this debilitating, frightening disease. <br />
<br />
Today I was able to do the most mundane of tasks--get out, dress and pack for school, and attend two required labs. I was unable to do any of that a few days ago. This month, I will start walking horseback again. The dauting and exhausting task of preparing my horse and crawling into the saddle is frightening for the amount of effort I know it will cost me. Merely being able to walk around the perimeter of my fenced arena will be as much a victory as my first piaffe, and like that dazzling, immortal moment, one that I will get to share with my closest and best supporter--my horse.Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-75516037662967941332011-04-05T00:32:00.000-07:002011-04-05T00:32:39.662-07:00My Engagement Pony is Part RodentMy Oldenburg/Arab mare is giving me fits. I think she is part chipmunk, with a high percentage of beaver for good measure. She likes to eat wood. Not just nibble on it--but flat out chew. <br />
<br />
She ignores her multiple stall toys. I have made the unfortunate joke that I literally need to keep fresh pine tree limbs in her stall to occupy her. <br />
<br />
My horses are fed at least four times a day. Most of the time, it is closer to five, as I like to split their hay feedings into three portions. They are out on their dry lot literally as much as physically possible. As pampered TB broodmares on pasture have ulcers at the rate of 60%, I guess ulcers could be a possibility--but I honestly don't know what I would do about it. All of my horses are on a limited grain scheme--they get the serious bulk of their calories via beet pulp, with a small amount of grain for the trace minerals and tastiness. What else can I do???? She is not sensitive anywhere on her body that would make me think GI discomfort. <br />
<br />
And yet Magpie loves to chew on any kind of wood. She is currently gleefully stripping trees. She ignores her scrumptious hanging Jimmy ball (which all of the other mares go gaga for...and she ignores) and likes to nibble on the framing of her stall.<br />
<br />
Not only is this annoying me to no end, but I am frazzled thinking about physical injuries to her mouth and GI tract, plus potential poisoning, and that is not even touching the factoid that my oh so impressionable Dutch filly thinks it is SO FUN to copy her. <em>Z.O.M.G. </em><br />
<br />
While studying this morning, I suddenly thought of a solution. A wire grazing muzzle. Poor Magpie. This is going to be interesting (insert evil, doxycycline fueled laugh).<br />
<br />
In other news, I am going to bite the bullet to purchase a small digital camera. Nothing special or really fancy---I want something small and portable that just takes better pictures than my Blackberry. So hopefully I will have pictures to post soon (yay) because it is just too much to deal with uploading pictures from the phone. Now back to pathology...Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-13866894646694712722011-03-30T21:15:00.000-07:002011-03-30T21:17:13.524-07:00Kindness<h3><span style="color: #e06666;"><h3>Before you know what kindness really is <br />
you must lose things, <br />
feel the future dissolve in a moment <br />
like salt in a weakened broth. <br />
What you held in your hand, <br />
what you counted and carefully saved, <br />
all this must go so you know <br />
how desolate the landscape can be <br />
between the regions of kindness. <br />
How you ride and ride <br />
thinking the bus will never stop, <br />
the passengers eating maize and chicken <br />
will stare out the window forever.<br />
<br />
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, <br />
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho <br />
lies dead by the side of the road. <br />
You must see how this could be you, <br />
how he too was someone <br />
who journeyed through the night with plans <br />
and the simple breath that kept him alive. <br />
<br />
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, <br />
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. <br />
You must wake up with sorrow. <br />
You must speak to it till your voice <br />
catches the thread of all sorrows <br />
and you see the size of the cloth.<br />
<br />
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, <br />
only kindness that ties your shoes <br />
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, <br />
only kindness that raises its head <br />
from the crowd of the world to say <br />
It is I you have been looking for, <br />
and then goes with you everywhere <br />
like a shadow or a friend. <br />
—Naomi Shihab Nye<br />
</h3></span></h3>Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-88668062049524351682011-03-28T23:58:00.000-07:002011-03-28T23:58:38.480-07:00WhoaFor the first time ever in my entire LIFE I am happy that Spring Break is OVER. If that doesn't clue you in to what a sopping mess this last week has been, I don't know what will! Having dealt with things like:<br />
<ul><li>horse issues that involved a retained molar that abscessed out (the Dutch filly is a saint, and I am so happy that she is going to be my riding partner in a few years!)</li>
<li>confronting dentists' ridiculous policies designed to terrify children</li>
<li>a shouting match to beat all shouting matches</li>
<li>my order of baby chickies arriving over 75% dead (hatchery is reshipping the entire order at no cost...which is why I love them)</li>
<li>crampy Lyme fingers</li>
</ul>I was delighted to be able to close the door on everyone else's life yesterday and just deal with my own drama. I managed to clean stuff, take a walk on foot with two of my girls (they were EXCITED, ZOMG) and little E., and dig out my old Sega Genesis and N64 for some old skool game relief. And I found my clippers, which have been missing for almost two years (yeah....). <br />
<br />
Now if only my pharm would just go learn itself, I would be golden. Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-77478214498685105402011-03-24T22:38:00.000-07:002011-03-24T22:38:08.510-07:00A Moment or Two of SilenceDue to various issues with Lyme and family, I am going to not write for some time. I will probably be back after the Kill 3 exam (Path, Pharm, Immuno).Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-50478041174557027222011-03-22T17:31:00.001-07:002011-03-22T17:31:40.586-07:00and it all went badJust like that.Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-22192057695412395832011-03-21T22:12:00.001-07:002011-03-21T22:12:18.741-07:00In which I made an A and fell off the map for 3 daysFriday's Phys exam was an A. And I think I am just now awake. Now since it is after 1 am and I see my vet in a few some hours, I need to sleep. Without zombie nightmares, k thanx.Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-10283563019526608312011-03-16T21:41:00.000-07:002011-03-16T21:41:02.745-07:00Flagyl, the Magic Weight Loss/Endless Sleep PillThere, I said it. That chalky white nastiness that I am taking once a day has so totally killed my appetite that weight has been disappearing. My mother came by the other day and complained about feeling my shoulder blades. My awesome deerskin chaps zip up without a problem. My breeches are too bleeping big. <br />
<br />
The stuff gives a Herx like no other. Let me give you a symptom list:<br />
paresthesias...on my arms and legs, sometimes as if there is some invisible mini person pricking me with a pin, othertimes as if there is a bug crawling on me<br />
depression...big, black and honkingly nasty<br />
evil attitude...I blame this one mostly on the doxy, dude<br />
vertigo...this Herx is making me standing up a bad idea. I was debating about going to my therapist appt and then my ECE....and then I stood up (bad idea). The room started spinning, I crawled back into the covers on the couch, and started making alternative plans for the day (who to call, how to get to the rest room, etc.)<br />
and did I mention the no appetite? yeah. none. <br />
comatose fatigue...I have literally slept from 330 pm Monday till 2 or 3 pm this afternoon. Mike was able to get me up a couple of times to eat, go to the bathroom, and to give me my shot (which to add insult to injury, hurt bad). Still. That is ridiculous. <br />
<br />
But after every Herx comes an improvement in function. And given that I clouted the Behavioral Med exam on Monday, and barely missed the minimum grade on the Pharm exam (we are talking like two questions) due to MATH (normally my beloved little pet, but when I am sick, always a downfall), I think the resolution of this baby will lead to better brain times and please God some riding. <br />
<br />
On the horse front, my Holsteiner mysteriously cut her leg. The turnout is mud, mud, mud, just a perfect germy paradise. I found I have wrapping skills out the wazoo, because I can wrap good while being woozy. And the ding-dong Trak mare's gaskin injury is acting up--she is now on stall rest. I am going to drop by vet's tomorrow for abx for the two of them, and may have the vet come out on Monday to look at them (until then it's wraps for the two of them. Be still my heart.)<br />
<br />
Belles, the Trak, has discovered the joys of Uncle Jimmy's Hangin Balls. She is covered in goo. That is one grooming catastrophe I am just not going to deal with right now...especially since I have my final physiology exam on Friday. Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-33546393709617507802011-03-12T12:48:00.000-08:002011-03-12T12:48:00.822-08:00Girlfriend<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir3HA3TAuLfiJHXOPNB663rP-HmnsusnsGzlvFdypJhXRjhvhwasLrWb1sab-3tQojMGIbc2A8RABYISPFst83-4GOd7AqdxocXs54EFuJnorLwgaOjWj8eHKCJGRovA6RuMysAX5Q2co/s1600/girlfriend.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" q6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir3HA3TAuLfiJHXOPNB663rP-HmnsusnsGzlvFdypJhXRjhvhwasLrWb1sab-3tQojMGIbc2A8RABYISPFst83-4GOd7AqdxocXs54EFuJnorLwgaOjWj8eHKCJGRovA6RuMysAX5Q2co/s320/girlfriend.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>The amazing footless wonder. <br />
<em>Alternative title</em>: why my old chickencoop sucks in cold weather.<br />
<em>Or</em>: why young chickens are stoopid, and get their feet wet in like zero degrees, and stand out in the snow until they get psycho frostbite all over their feet, and their feet like die and fall off, and I so don't need pet chicken number 4, but when you have that many, what does another matter? <br />
<br />
I need to make a prize for run-on sentences and award it to myself. 'Cause despite my bacc'l degree in English, I can still writes myself an awesome one. <br />
<br />
Anyway. Girlfriend's main priority today is keeping me company while I study for the 3 exams that separate me from official I-am-staying-home-all-week, also known as Spring Break for other students that do not have Lyme. <br />
<br />
But...on the HARDEST exam of year one, the monstrous renal physiology exam, I made an 85%. That is a B enroute to an A, fellow peeps. A fabulous B. A pimptastic B. <br />
<br />
And after that score, I honestly did not give a flying patootie that I was sick for the balance of the week. Who cares if my Tuesday was Migraine Day, that Wednesday was Migraine Hangover+Flagyl Issues Two'fer instead of Hump Day, that my should have been humdrum Thursday with annoying OPP checkout turned into Baby Horse was colicky, I ate nothing until 7 pm, got sick and sniffly in lab (due in large part, I think, to prof getting upset that I was describing cranial flexion as expansion instead of lengthening towards the feet...welllll, there is no huge expansion in stride length combined with a power increase, so it ain't a lengthening in my book, thanx), and wanted to jump off a bridge day? <br />
<br />
Nah. Baby Horse was ok, and I made an 85 on the hardest exam of first year. <br />
<br />
And only 3 exams are between me and a week of being sick with no responsibilities. <em>Yes.</em> Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-87771653002740802342011-03-03T23:15:00.000-08:002011-03-03T23:15:14.984-08:0027 hours of sick (be forewarned...depressing!)Unfortunately, that was not a typo. 27 hours of sick is exactly that: from 4 pm yesterday when I crawled into bed fully dressed to 7 pm tonight when I finally managed to untangle myself from the heated blanket on the couch. There were some moments when I felt ok--somehow I made it to the couch from the bed in order to eat some chickens wings, for example--but there were a lot of <em>zomg I am going to fall the *beep* over!!!</em> when ever I tried to stand up. (And if you have never experienced those moments when you are afraid you cannot stand because your legs are buckling under you, well, I admit to being kind of jeaulous. Because they are not fun.)<br />
<br />
Luckily, luckily, I had been working like a crazy person on studying. I missed a required lab, but am going to see if I can get it excused becaues of the Lyme-wakeup-symptoms. Losing an 8 hour shift of homework sucks, royally, but I may be able to crawl out of it, as I have being working relentlessly. <br />
<br />
The weather has been ridiculously beautiful here, and I am stuck inside unable to do anything. And it sucks. Sucks because I want to go outside. Sucks because I know I only have X amount of energy, and it has to be spent studying. <br />
<br />
And it is not fun to be studying exercise physiology, and being reminded of all the dreams that I have lost because of this Lyme beast--of running, biking, swimming, not to mention riding...all of the things that I felt defined me. I am not going to go on in this vein, because I have a chunk of studying still to go and am making myself even more peeved. <br />
<br />
But damn. Lyme sucks. Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-84470302165832776582011-02-28T15:43:00.000-08:002011-02-28T15:43:42.136-08:00Maybe it was something I ate...Because in the space of a weekend, I have gone completely nocturnal. Not just oh, I like to study late and then go to bed. No. Try I like to start my actual thinking day at 4 pm and don't feel like sleeping until it is very bright outside. Hearing roosters crowing while I am studying is feeling normal. <br />
<br />
Is this Flagyl? Is this like a preview of a psycho upcoming Herx? <br />
<br />
I don't know. I honestly don't know if I am giving a flying fig, because I feel like my study time is being productive. For example: last night I was doing some renal, and thinking to myself that while the professor was talking about how this was difficult conceptually, my favorite physics topic was non-Euclidean geometry. <a href="http://www.math.umn.edu/~garrett/a02/H2.html">Interactive thingy to show difference </a> <a href="http://mathworld.wolfram.com/Non-EuclideanGeometry.html">explanation 1</a> <a href="http://www.cs.unm.edu/~joel/NonEuclid/noneuclidean.html">explanation 2</a> It is really weird stuff, but very cool to think about. <br />
<br />
While med school is hard, it ain't no Lobachevskian geometry (yeah, not technically correct, but who cares??). :)Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-53786660001499783972011-02-27T23:33:00.000-08:002011-02-27T23:33:57.568-08:00Dr. SeussI have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. <br />
<br />
Some come from ahead<br />
and some come from behind.<br />
<br />
But I've bought a big bat.<br />
I'm all ready you see.<br />
<br />
Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me!<br />
<br />
(Note: My bat is called 400 mg doxycycline and 500 mg Flagyl/day with 1.2 million units of Bicillin LA as deep IM once a week!)Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-4415452790580298152011-02-23T23:25:00.000-08:002011-02-23T23:25:58.329-08:00From Nice and Super Relaxing to Uh Oh in 30 s.!So this morning I crawled out of bed, determined to get the abx down and to take the Trakehner, Boo, for a walk. I have been craving horse time to no end---there is nothing like being physically un-freaking able to do anything with the expensive hay burners outside to make you desperately desire to do more with them!! <br />
<br />
Anyway, I stuffed a pocket full of gluten free crackers, grabbed my coffee cup and stumbled the fifteen steps to the girls. Everyone got a flake of hay, except for Boo. Being a <strong><em>verrrrry</em></strong> opinionated girl, I had to cajole her down the driveway with the cooing idea of grass (her super opinionated self is why she was capable of convincing people that she was not rideable....she just happens to be super sensitive and totally uncapable of dealing with any fitting issues. Period.). A few minutes later, she was cheerfully nibbling on a little bit of grass by the side of the road while I was drinking my coffee and eating a few crackers. Perfect.<br />
<br />
Then...I happened to look up by my house, in time to see a <em><strong>very</strong></em> large, <strong><em>very</em></strong> upset, <strong><em>very</em></strong> obnoxious mare prancing around, squawking her head off for Boo. I sighed. My morning was about to get waaay more interesting, very quickly. Boo and I watched nonchalantly as the Sofa Monster cavorted past the gates, pranced past my car, trotted <strong><em>veryfast </em></strong>down the driveway and somehow ended up on the extremely narrow strip of ground between the electric fence and a steep bank beside the road. I cannot justify to myself how such a big obnoxious creature managed to fit in a small space without shocking the snot out of herself, but she did. And it was ridiculous. <br />
<br />
While this display of abominable behavior was going on, Boo and I were slowly making our way the 20 feet along the roadside to the beginning of the driveway. Rude obnoxious super big mare somehow pivoted 360 degrees in said narrow space to follow us back to the stalls, squawking about how we were so awful to leave her behind. Ugh. <br />
<br />
Boo got tucked in with a little extra hay to nibble, and I managed to rehang the gate the Sofa had <em><strong>lifted</strong></em> off its hinges and left hanging by its chain while she demonstrated her superior atheletic skills and herd bound qualities. I put her away with no fuss, as the mare she routinely beats the snot out of (and obviously cannot live without) was back next to her. <br />
<br />
Wait. It gets <em><strong><u>better</u></strong></em>. <br />
<br />
I then went to let the chickens out. I really enjoy my little outside hens...they are super cute and funny and like to follow me places. I opened the basement door and pulled the hose out, intending to water the horses, and accidentally left the door open. <br />
<br />
I took a scoop full of water to the hens, and was admiring them in all their fluffy hen-ness, when I got the feeling I was being <em><strong>watched</strong></em>. And I was. By my mass-chicken-murdering Husky cross, who was poised in the open basement door, evaluating how many chickens were loose. <br />
<br />
I screamed for him, and started my panting way up the hill. Of course, the turdball turned around and pranced up by the car, waving his tail gleefully. He was determined that he was going to have a fabulous morning! <br />
<br />
Luckily, I had skanky old meat wrapping by the stairs to rattle for him, and he came at warp speed (miraculously without killing anything!). I gave him several treats for coming in, leaned against the fall for a few minutes as I was panting with exertion, and fed the ponies breakfast. <br />
<br />
I then did 2 hours of homework, met with my favorite person at school, dealt with a friend's Lyme entertainment, and then came home to do insane amounts of homework. I think I need stronger coffee, with an IV drip, post haste, because the stuff I'm drinking did not prepare me for all that!Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-83944361320310792882011-02-21T05:38:00.000-08:002011-02-21T05:45:54.182-08:00alyson1derland: Good Day!Yesterday, I had a fantastic day. I felt wonderful! I went on a mad cleaning spree and laughed at the thought that no one has ever been so happy to be cleaning the bathroom. I made it through the whole day without having a nasty "Lyme crash." My energy level stayed constant, which is rather unusual for this disease. I took two extra long bath breaks so I would be forced to rest a while.<br /><br />I am starting to have more good days. I am through the Herx from my new medicine and now I've just started my two week medicine break. No two days in a row are ever the same with Lyme, but I'm very hopeful for more good days!alyson1derlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08293531856749728379noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-88517080805276054792011-02-20T19:53:00.000-08:002011-02-20T19:53:29.510-08:00SlowlySometimes I can almost forget that I have Lyme. I can think kind of clearly, feed the ponies, and do my studying. And then there are days like today, when I feel like someone hit me with a bag of bricks. For someone who desperately clings to any shred of getting better, I find that days like today really do a number to my motivation. <br />
<br />
I have insane test phobia about anything to do with anatomy. My mind goes *blank*. It is as if the lightswitch in my brain turns OFF. The hours of studying are still stacked there, but without a light it is impossible to see the information. <br />
<br />
Out of the bad has come some good--I stumbled into a really great learning advisor at school, and she has been wonderfully encouraging. And--she believes in Lyme. Zomg! She actually believes that this is real, that I am not just making up smack to explain my sucky test performances in between the Bs. <br />
<br />
I brought in my notes, calendar, and planner to show her last week. I think she was a little surprised at the level of organization, but was pleased that I am so organized. I explained my pet PEEVE: my studying is the same for the Bs and the bads. It is the brain function that is different! <br />
<br />
At least now I have someone that I feel is on my side who spends the time working with me, figuring out how to work with this prison-body/mind complex. (Instead of spending the time breaking me down!!)<br />
<br />
Exam tomorrow on OMT. I think it is going to be good, despite the Lyme brick symptoms of today. I gave myself as much rest as my body needed, and when I was ready, I began to study. And was pleasantly surprised with what I remembered. :)Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-12539206226638410292011-02-13T19:11:00.000-08:002011-02-13T19:11:43.596-08:00NegativityI have to admit that I have become a serious pessimist. My thoughts are never what if this works? but are what if this doesn't work? What if I can't do it? Then I get caught in some wild circle of upset-ness and work myself into a fit of being convinced that I can't do snot. <br />
<br />
My bf called me on this, big time, tonight. He pointed out that despite studying like a mofo for forever, I was convinced that I was going to fail the test--no questions asked. That was allowing myself to go ahead into some dark pessimistic place and never come out...and entertain things like should I quit school? Is this too much? etc.<br />
<br />
Being a very smart man, he pointed out the oddity of me going through all the hoops to get into med school and to get my Lyme diagnosis....at the same time. That the reality of the situation was that I am in a very good place to spread knowledge about this disease (and after a moment, I had to admit that yeah I know for a fact that at least the administration at my school knows about this disease...probably most of my classmates. So that is what, maybe 500 or so people who maybe didn't take Lyme seriously before and now possibly consider it as a real diagnosis?). And in that light, with those numbers, this fight seems to be a seriously good thing. <br />
<br />
Gearing up for the battle tomorrow...and thinking of Sun Tzu. And how I intend to march myself home tomorrow night, take a short nap, get prepped for class, and actually go to school for the first time this year beyond required stuff. You heard that right!!---I am going to class because I am feeling better. Hal-e-freaking-lujah. Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-41651942468335206372011-02-09T02:58:00.000-08:002011-02-09T02:58:55.314-08:00Who, Me?I am going to take a moment to vent. Just a bit. <br />
I had a really rough round of exams during our last celebration of learning. I have been coping with a less than proficient quitting (ahem, learning) counselor with school, and she has been dropping some not very subtle hints that I should just take a leave from school and not come back. She actually suggested that I might like to go to vet school instead. Even despite leaving out a lot of our other conversations, I think it is pretty easy to see why I do not enjoy speaking with her. I feel as if every meeting basically focuses on her agenda instead of mine--and we don't end up going over what I actually need help with as we get sidetracked into c-<em>beep</em> that my life pretty much is. Anyway, right after I finished six hours of excruciating torment, I ran into Seed's office and made an appointment to go over some diagramming techniques. (Note...I am referring to her as Seed with all gleeful and due respect, as I am certified obsessive nut about gardening, and she had the new Seed Saver's Exchange catalog on her desk. I think that was a pretty obvious sign that this was a good move!). <br />
<br />
Fast forward till yesterday. I got an email from the secretary for the quitting advisor. QA wanted to go over some test analysis with me because of my poor performance on the last exams. Well....wait just one moment. If QA actually gave a flying fig about my situation, wouldn't it have behooved her to perhaps contact me to work on something when we don't have T minus 3 school days before our next celebration of learning? Seriously. Thinking about it now makes me wonder if she was planning to work me up into a crying fit (which would resolve with an episode of panicky freaking out at my house). Yeah, great idea considering how little time is left. <br />
<br />
It was with <em>great pleasure</em> that I advised the secretary I had already taken care of the issue and have an appointment with Seed for the following day (which she books 2 1/2 weeks in advance because everyone wants to see her...another good sign). <br />
<br />
I grumpily called my mom. She, being very smart, pointed out that no one at this school has ever seen me perform at my full potential. All they have to go off of is the performance of one really sick student. And she actually wants me to write a letter complaining of QA's comments so that it would go in her file. Maybe if I start swinging some sweet work off of our next COL (celebrations of learning) I might consider that. Then again it might just be more fun to think about riding<br />
<br />
because<br />
<br />
my new saddle came yesterday! Granted, I didn't get to see it until about midnight, because I went to sleep around 7ish and woke up around 1145. It is insanely, insanely light and has some seriously gorgeous leather. I set it on my big saddle stand and of course had to sit in it...and I think it will be a very good fit for me and the girls. I will have to try and tack someone up to show it off. :) <br />
***that is probably not going to happen till after exams, cause if I get distracted doing something right now, I am going to get tired, and then will not get more hw done. Bad. Very Bad.Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4689141322253850520.post-24723771812059941062011-02-07T18:28:00.000-08:002011-02-07T18:28:26.263-08:00zomg, YAY LYME!For the first time ever I think I can actually say YAY LYME! My brand spankin new custom deerskin chaps that I picked up for a song....zip up over my favorite (now loose) breeches! This means I will need to maybe look at getting a pair of paddock boots, but who cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!Lyme Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13483124230643871201noreply@blogger.com0