Silver Linings

Do silver linings exist with this disease?  My life is so radically different now than it was last year.  I could not have imagined the changes that would take place. 

I find myself grieving for some parts of what I lost though.  The reliably healthy, strong body capable of mountain biking, trail running, and half marathons.  A strong core and balance to reliably work my horses with.  The possibility of a future unclouded by any hint of disease. 

Now I have a future that looms dark with the always present specter of Lyme.  Small joys do exist, but last night I found myself unable to grapple with the reality that I may be coping with this my whole life.  In the past week or so I have allowed myself to understand that I do not want to risk a pregnancy, for the chance of passing this onto my child.  That in itself is a very unsettling, sorrowful decision, as I always thought I would have a child.  But...I have always wanted to adopt an older child, so I think in one way, this is life/God/whatever saying yes, that is what you will need to do.  I really love playing with (I'll admit it, mothering!) my bf's wild and unruly niece....so this may be the best route for me anyway.  Still shitty to admit it though.

Anyway, some thoughts for this new year...I am not really a fan of new year's resolutions because they seem to be broken very easily.  I like to set goals.  For instance, last year's was get better.  While I am by no means better, I am definitely better than I was last year.  So this year, I think my goals should be to pass my medical school classes and ride.  I would love to say complete my first formal horse trial or something cool like that, but I have no idea what I feel like from day to day.  For instance, I took five pills on two pickles and have been nauseated ever since. 

However, the niece is a fabulous natural rider and is really pushing me all the time to ride.  I would love to take her to some shows this year, maybe just a couple of hunter paces and a few schooling dressage shows.  That would be a nice goal to aspire to as well. 

Now I have to focus on the rough 6 hours of Monday (aka my domination of biochem and nutrition...cough cough, positivity!!!).  I am dreaming in acetoacetates and triglycerides.