Silver Linings

Do silver linings exist with this disease?  My life is so radically different now than it was last year.  I could not have imagined the changes that would take place. 

I find myself grieving for some parts of what I lost though.  The reliably healthy, strong body capable of mountain biking, trail running, and half marathons.  A strong core and balance to reliably work my horses with.  The possibility of a future unclouded by any hint of disease. 

Now I have a future that looms dark with the always present specter of Lyme.  Small joys do exist, but last night I found myself unable to grapple with the reality that I may be coping with this my whole life.  In the past week or so I have allowed myself to understand that I do not want to risk a pregnancy, for the chance of passing this onto my child.  That in itself is a very unsettling, sorrowful decision, as I always thought I would have a child.  But...I have always wanted to adopt an older child, so I think in one way, this is life/God/whatever saying yes, that is what you will need to do.  I really love playing with (I'll admit it, mothering!) my bf's wild and unruly niece....so this may be the best route for me anyway.  Still shitty to admit it though.

Anyway, some thoughts for this new year...I am not really a fan of new year's resolutions because they seem to be broken very easily.  I like to set goals.  For instance, last year's was get better.  While I am by no means better, I am definitely better than I was last year.  So this year, I think my goals should be to pass my medical school classes and ride.  I would love to say complete my first formal horse trial or something cool like that, but I have no idea what I feel like from day to day.  For instance, I took five pills on two pickles and have been nauseated ever since. 

However, the niece is a fabulous natural rider and is really pushing me all the time to ride.  I would love to take her to some shows this year, maybe just a couple of hunter paces and a few schooling dressage shows.  That would be a nice goal to aspire to as well. 

Now I have to focus on the rough 6 hours of Monday (aka my domination of biochem and nutrition...cough cough, positivity!!!).  I am dreaming in acetoacetates and triglycerides.

Long Days

I think I am ready for school to begin again.   I have slept, had weird nightmares, and taken my pills like a good Lyme patient.  Time for something else. 

alyson1derland: Burst of Energy

Today, I got a huge burst of energy and actually managed to get a few things done around the house! It felt so, so good. That is, until Lyme reared it's ugly head and rendered me 100% useless for the next three hours. Oh well....It was good while it lasted!

Lyme Beast: Cold

This is some insane weather.  With the windchill, the talking heads on TV are saying that it is about -10 to -15.  I live on a mountain, so take 10 off of that.  Most of the time I am ok with cold, as long I am bundled up enough.  Today...today was a different story.  It took a pair of heavy weight winter running tights under my jeans, two UnderArmour fleeces and a heavy sweatshirt under my ski jacket and a hat and mittens.

The last two stall gates were hung last night and all the girls were tucked in due to the extreme cold.  On inspection, I found myself wondering WHY I have all bays (and only one gray...).  Is it really THAT much easier to find a good bay horse?  Yes, the color should be the last thing you look at, but I think I have literally every shade of bay possible and then some.  It is getting rather obnoxious...

Everyone was pleased to be in out of the wind.  I try to keep my girls out as much as possible, as I believe that horses absolutely do better if allowed to move around as much as they please.  However, when the smart baby horse keeps opening the gate and allowing everyone into the barn, you have to give in.  :)

I've got my last major unreal biochem exam on Friday.  I think it is 81 questions.  It is combined with a nutrition exam (80 questions).  I am on the last spiel of work to get organized...but man.  I am waffling back and forth between a well of depression and a frozen inability to do anything.  Thinking is difficult.  My brain feels mired in sludge or slime or icy or goo...you get the idea. 

Tonight. Tomorrow.  Thursday.  Then exam day.  After that, it is sleeping and quilting and fussing over sleepy ponies.  Who cares about Christmas?  I just want to have some time with my bf and my favorite ladies.

Lyme Beast: You Know You Have Lyme Disease When...

You know you have Lyme Disease when...
1. You are hungry, and you suddenly realize that NOW you can get down all those supplements you couldn't force down fifteen minutes ago.
2. Your medicine cabinet has turned into half of a dresser.
3. The antibiotics you use could keep the local town safe for a year in the event of a disaster.
4. In 30 seconds, you can think of at least 5 ways to get pills down.
5. Your pharmacy bill is higher than your mortgage.
6. The weekly grocery bill for your food is less than that of your dog's food.
7. You suddenly realize that holy shit, you actually look good in a string bikini because you have FINALLY lost those last 5 pounds!  Too bad you don't feel well enough to go anywhere in it...
8. To keep track of your car in parking lots, you always park in the same place.  And you always forget where that place is.
9. Your daily pill regimen involves more time periods than the most nurses' shifts.
10. You can drink two pots of coffee and still go to sleep in five minutes or less.

alyson1derland: Love Letter to my Digestive Tract

With clunking sounds of the plumber coming from upstairs, my fingers are crossed that he can fix our toilet, which is suspected to be jammed with a plastic Lincoln Log window, in time for my big day tomorrow: I'm starting Doxycycline.

Dear Stomach,

Please cooperate until the toilet is fixed.

Love,

alyson1derland

Lyme Beast: One Day. And then another.

So I survived the last round of exams.  Passed my histology class.  All I need to do for biochem is to just pass the next exam.  That is it.

So why am I so annoyed?  I have an OPP practical today at 4:55.  That isn't really it.  I think it is straight burnout.  I'm tired of pushing myself this hard all the time.  I had the realization the other night that I am probably prolonging my disease by doing this now.  The flip side of the coin is that without going to school, I would not be able to afford my medication to get better. 

So I don't want to memorize all these eensy weensy pathways.  Or work on nutrition, welcome respite that it is.  I want to sleep and feed my ponies and let my spoiled pet chicken out to run around the house and get into stuff on the counter. 

Luckily, I have a two week break coming up.  My last set of major exams is the 17th, and if I can just hang on until then I will have some time to rest.  The good news is that 1/2 of the shittiest year is almost over.  I will have a lot to be thankful for at Christmas lol.