Ups and Downs

Ups should maybe be Oops.  I wandered up to check on my ducklings today, and found that three of them had been eaten.  This was irritating not only in that they were gone, but we had just trapped a humongous raccoon that had taken another duckling a few days ago.  There is a lot of OTHER food available for these nasty little carnivores--the streams are full of minnows, crawdads, frogs, and there is a super abundance of mice and other little creepies.  This reminds me of last summer, when a single opossum wandered over one night and wiped out twenty baby chicks...not to eat, but just to kill them all and nibble on a few parts for the sheer fun of it.  I had fun trapping and getting rid of that one, let me tell you!

My hoof stand finally came the other day, after being backordered for almost two months.  It is a wonderful thing to have a hoof stand!!  It was super wonderful to be able to prop up a foot and shape it.  It made my life SO MUCH easier.  It was funny to see how far I had to set the stand away so I could extend Sophie's humongously long leg though.  :)

Mike stripped stalls for me last night, so all I had to do was kick the sawdust around and look pleased.  He is fabulous. 

I found this article....and think it is very accurate.  You might want to take a look...
I'm Thankful He Doesn't Understand
I like it a whole lot. 

In Lyme news, I really need to go see my doctor.  However, it is kind of hard to go anywhere when 1) your car needs to be repaired from the hydroplaning disaster, 2) you don't feel safe driving beyond a half hour by yourself.  Oh yeah, and the fact that I have like zilch money.  :)  That is a factor too, lol!  I am hoping to just be able to afford my medication and groceries by the time school starts again.

Oh, and school.  Yeah.  I have to meet with the committee, and the dean gets to make a decision on whether I am allowed to stay.  Why?  Well, it is rather simple...when you have trouble with classes, you are put on a "watch" list.  And if you have trouble with too many, like moi, then you are put under the microscope to determine what to do with you.  I have lost so much sleep over this that it isn't funny, as it has compounded my stress level 1000%.  For once, however, Lyme is a good thing.  It is not like I had trouble because I am not smart enough, or didn't study enough...I have trouble because I am dealing with a psycho illness that enjoys turning life upside down. 

I am waiting on the email to meet with the committee.  I feel rather grim about it, as I anticipate being asked all sorts of odd questions.  One potential question that throws me into a Flagyl-stoked tizzy is the idea that this year was actually my "second" try.  Ummm...when I started medical school last year, I was diagnosed with RA by a rheumatologist who didn't listen to anything I said.  Throughout the fall, under his care, I got worse.  In December, literally right after my medical leave, I had a seizure.  Luckily, I had found a doctor that cared about me and took my symptoms seriously, so I was not forced to endure a seizure in front of people.  I had it at home, in front of my medically educated mother (and I think I gave her at least one gray hair over it!).  Thank God for small favors, right?  Anyway...it makes me see red to try and explain that.  I know I will probably have to, so I am trying to focus on explaining the situation clearly and cohesively, and without snarling.  No snarling over the inept, crass behavior of uncaring doctors allowed! 

Anyway...what else?  I am thinking about taking my bf's niece, E, to a tiny little horse show on Saturday.  I have been promising to take her to one for forever, and this is very coincidental timing.  I think my 4th level schoolmaster could putz her around a pee wee walk class, right?  ;)  Hey, the Sopha will do anything for carrots, and I intend to have about ten pounds on hand!  :D

And holy horse snot...you know that I used to be really good at producing a lovely paper?  My syntax was always top notch.  Now...now I shudder when I look at what I have typed.  There are so many errors.  My poor brain.  :( If anything, that alone is a clue that while I am functioning, I am not like before. 

Holding Pattern

I feel as if I am in a time warp.  My body decided to say F this.  It was EXTREMELY frustrating, as I banked an 87.5 on huge, terrifying exam...and went downward from there, following how I felt every day. 
So what now?  Now...I am just waiting.  Taking my medication.  Thinking about how much I really, really needed a break--but could barely bring myself to ask for a later testing date, even though I had documentation out the wazoo. 

It is strange to be waiting quietly without the overwhelming stress and fear of school.  Fear, specifically, because Lyme is so unpredictable in its effects, and school at this level requires predictability in schedules, sleep, study time, etc.  Fear because I could walk in and with the same preparation almost make an A and the next day barely scrape by, with the only difference being in how I feel. 

I have noticed that my appetite has returned a little with the reduction in stress...I can nibble more often without being afraid that I am going to get sick.  I am beginning to worry that the food issues that came with the doxy and Flagyl entrenched themselves as coping patterns for stress.  I find that on days I am stressed it is extremely difficult to eat--I can barely choke down my coffee and some guacamole.  Literally everything tastes terrible.  Sigh. 

I am counting pills and shots.  Every dose kept down and managed is a step forward.  Hopefully.