This year has been horrific, and I cannot wait to wave goodbye to it in a few weeks.
2012 was dotted with animal losses, creating a topographical map of sorrow. I lost two schoolmasters to age and pasture injuries, lambs to illness, heat, and parasites, and my ancient inherited Siamese cat to ancient-ness. It sucked. Horribly and absolutely, and I have not been in the mood to write or think or do much of anything, other than try and cope with being ill.
The only recent good news was my five day trial of Rocephin.
Rocephin is interesting. It was like Russian roulette, with the options being an amazingly wonderful energy filled day or something out of a horror movie, complete with me having to scream and cry simultaneously from the pain of stomach cramps. Note: having two fabulously wonderful days made the painful days worth it.
I have also had three migraines while on my course of Rocephin. As I have a lot of neurological complaints, I think it makes sense to connect the dying of Lyme bugs in my head with the mind monsters. I almost typed "headache" instead of migraine, but that is just so wrong on so many levels!
With the new year I will have more access to the Internet...and thus more writing. In the meantime, I am counting the days.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Monday, July 4, 2011
Alive...and mostly ok
Sorry for the radio silence. Life has been insanity, and I simply haven't had the energy or will to spare to write here.
There seems to be an unpward trend in things, especially since I have survived today's challenge of a 20 hour migraine. More on all of that later...
There seems to be an unpward trend in things, especially since I have survived today's challenge of a 20 hour migraine. More on all of that later...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Ups and Downs
Ups should maybe be Oops. I wandered up to check on my ducklings today, and found that three of them had been eaten. This was irritating not only in that they were gone, but we had just trapped a humongous raccoon that had taken another duckling a few days ago. There is a lot of OTHER food available for these nasty little carnivores--the streams are full of minnows, crawdads, frogs, and there is a super abundance of mice and other little creepies. This reminds me of last summer, when a single opossum wandered over one night and wiped out twenty baby chicks...not to eat, but just to kill them all and nibble on a few parts for the sheer fun of it. I had fun trapping and getting rid of that one, let me tell you!
My hoof stand finally came the other day, after being backordered for almost two months. It is a wonderful thing to have a hoof stand!! It was super wonderful to be able to prop up a foot and shape it. It made my life SO MUCH easier. It was funny to see how far I had to set the stand away so I could extend Sophie's humongously long leg though. :)
Mike stripped stalls for me last night, so all I had to do was kick the sawdust around and look pleased. He is fabulous.
I found this article....and think it is very accurate. You might want to take a look...
I'm Thankful He Doesn't Understand
I like it a whole lot.
In Lyme news, I really need to go see my doctor. However, it is kind of hard to go anywhere when 1) your car needs to be repaired from the hydroplaning disaster, 2) you don't feel safe driving beyond a half hour by yourself. Oh yeah, and the fact that I have like zilch money. :) That is a factor too, lol! I am hoping to just be able to afford my medication and groceries by the time school starts again.
Oh, and school. Yeah. I have to meet with the committee, and the dean gets to make a decision on whether I am allowed to stay. Why? Well, it is rather simple...when you have trouble with classes, you are put on a "watch" list. And if you have trouble with too many, like moi, then you are put under the microscope to determine what to do with you. I have lost so much sleep over this that it isn't funny, as it has compounded my stress level 1000%. For once, however, Lyme is a good thing. It is not like I had trouble because I am not smart enough, or didn't study enough...I have trouble because I am dealing with a psycho illness that enjoys turning life upside down.
I am waiting on the email to meet with the committee. I feel rather grim about it, as I anticipate being asked all sorts of odd questions. One potential question that throws me into a Flagyl-stoked tizzy is the idea that this year was actually my "second" try. Ummm...when I started medical school last year, I was diagnosed with RA by a rheumatologist who didn't listen to anything I said. Throughout the fall, under his care, I got worse. In December, literally right after my medical leave, I had a seizure. Luckily, I had found a doctor that cared about me and took my symptoms seriously, so I was not forced to endure a seizure in front of people. I had it at home, in front of my medically educated mother (and I think I gave her at least one gray hair over it!). Thank God for small favors, right? Anyway...it makes me see red to try and explain that. I know I will probably have to, so I am trying to focus on explaining the situation clearly and cohesively, and without snarling. No snarling over the inept, crass behavior of uncaring doctors allowed!
Anyway...what else? I am thinking about taking my bf's niece, E, to a tiny little horse show on Saturday. I have been promising to take her to one for forever, and this is very coincidental timing. I think my 4th level schoolmaster could putz her around a pee wee walk class, right? ;) Hey, the Sopha will do anything for carrots, and I intend to have about ten pounds on hand! :D
And holy horse snot...you know that I used to be really good at producing a lovely paper? My syntax was always top notch. Now...now I shudder when I look at what I have typed. There are so many errors. My poor brain. :( If anything, that alone is a clue that while I am functioning, I am not like before.
My hoof stand finally came the other day, after being backordered for almost two months. It is a wonderful thing to have a hoof stand!! It was super wonderful to be able to prop up a foot and shape it. It made my life SO MUCH easier. It was funny to see how far I had to set the stand away so I could extend Sophie's humongously long leg though. :)
Mike stripped stalls for me last night, so all I had to do was kick the sawdust around and look pleased. He is fabulous.
I found this article....and think it is very accurate. You might want to take a look...
I'm Thankful He Doesn't Understand
I like it a whole lot.
In Lyme news, I really need to go see my doctor. However, it is kind of hard to go anywhere when 1) your car needs to be repaired from the hydroplaning disaster, 2) you don't feel safe driving beyond a half hour by yourself. Oh yeah, and the fact that I have like zilch money. :) That is a factor too, lol! I am hoping to just be able to afford my medication and groceries by the time school starts again.
Oh, and school. Yeah. I have to meet with the committee, and the dean gets to make a decision on whether I am allowed to stay. Why? Well, it is rather simple...when you have trouble with classes, you are put on a "watch" list. And if you have trouble with too many, like moi, then you are put under the microscope to determine what to do with you. I have lost so much sleep over this that it isn't funny, as it has compounded my stress level 1000%. For once, however, Lyme is a good thing. It is not like I had trouble because I am not smart enough, or didn't study enough...I have trouble because I am dealing with a psycho illness that enjoys turning life upside down.
I am waiting on the email to meet with the committee. I feel rather grim about it, as I anticipate being asked all sorts of odd questions. One potential question that throws me into a Flagyl-stoked tizzy is the idea that this year was actually my "second" try. Ummm...when I started medical school last year, I was diagnosed with RA by a rheumatologist who didn't listen to anything I said. Throughout the fall, under his care, I got worse. In December, literally right after my medical leave, I had a seizure. Luckily, I had found a doctor that cared about me and took my symptoms seriously, so I was not forced to endure a seizure in front of people. I had it at home, in front of my medically educated mother (and I think I gave her at least one gray hair over it!). Thank God for small favors, right? Anyway...it makes me see red to try and explain that. I know I will probably have to, so I am trying to focus on explaining the situation clearly and cohesively, and without snarling. No snarling over the inept, crass behavior of uncaring doctors allowed!
Anyway...what else? I am thinking about taking my bf's niece, E, to a tiny little horse show on Saturday. I have been promising to take her to one for forever, and this is very coincidental timing. I think my 4th level schoolmaster could putz her around a pee wee walk class, right? ;) Hey, the Sopha will do anything for carrots, and I intend to have about ten pounds on hand! :D
And holy horse snot...you know that I used to be really good at producing a lovely paper? My syntax was always top notch. Now...now I shudder when I look at what I have typed. There are so many errors. My poor brain. :( If anything, that alone is a clue that while I am functioning, I am not like before.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Holding Pattern
I feel as if I am in a time warp. My body decided to say F this. It was EXTREMELY frustrating, as I banked an 87.5 on huge, terrifying exam...and went downward from there, following how I felt every day.
So what now? Now...I am just waiting. Taking my medication. Thinking about how much I really, really needed a break--but could barely bring myself to ask for a later testing date, even though I had documentation out the wazoo.
It is strange to be waiting quietly without the overwhelming stress and fear of school. Fear, specifically, because Lyme is so unpredictable in its effects, and school at this level requires predictability in schedules, sleep, study time, etc. Fear because I could walk in and with the same preparation almost make an A and the next day barely scrape by, with the only difference being in how I feel.
I have noticed that my appetite has returned a little with the reduction in stress...I can nibble more often without being afraid that I am going to get sick. I am beginning to worry that the food issues that came with the doxy and Flagyl entrenched themselves as coping patterns for stress. I find that on days I am stressed it is extremely difficult to eat--I can barely choke down my coffee and some guacamole. Literally everything tastes terrible. Sigh.
I am counting pills and shots. Every dose kept down and managed is a step forward. Hopefully.
So what now? Now...I am just waiting. Taking my medication. Thinking about how much I really, really needed a break--but could barely bring myself to ask for a later testing date, even though I had documentation out the wazoo.
It is strange to be waiting quietly without the overwhelming stress and fear of school. Fear, specifically, because Lyme is so unpredictable in its effects, and school at this level requires predictability in schedules, sleep, study time, etc. Fear because I could walk in and with the same preparation almost make an A and the next day barely scrape by, with the only difference being in how I feel.
I have noticed that my appetite has returned a little with the reduction in stress...I can nibble more often without being afraid that I am going to get sick. I am beginning to worry that the food issues that came with the doxy and Flagyl entrenched themselves as coping patterns for stress. I find that on days I am stressed it is extremely difficult to eat--I can barely choke down my coffee and some guacamole. Literally everything tastes terrible. Sigh.
I am counting pills and shots. Every dose kept down and managed is a step forward. Hopefully.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Hmphf.
Wednesday @ 9 am: Pathology final exam.
Thursday @ 4:55 pm: OPP final practical exam.
Friday @ 8 am: Immuno/TIPC final exams.
I think I am on the edge of burning out. I feel like I am in this creepy silence, almost in a holding pattern of not feeling/thinking/something.
Tomorrow, the bank will make a decision about the purchase of dream property. I am afraid.
I spent almost two hours with the chickens in my sort of garden this evening. That was time I could have spent studying (as is this! ha!), but I had pulled off 4 consecutive hours of quality work and just needed something else. Something different.
I had four episodes of vertigo, where I literally had to lock my legs and focus on a piece of trash that I wanted to pick up or a weed I wanted to pull. I have a weird memory of the seizure I had in December...I felt as if I was walking along a tightrope in a dark room, and opened a small wooden door into some green open silence. And then I was on the tightrope again, feeling as if I was walking back, and I realized I was looking at my mother (she had grabbed me when she saw me fall so I wouldn't hit my head on the ice). The vertigo kind of felt like that...as if I looked the right way, felt the right way, the path would open up to that door. It was not a good feeling. I did a lot of sitting.
Having written that odd, more than a little disturbing recollection, I am wondering if my "silent" feelings are related to feeling that path/door route again. I don't know. Don't really want to know either.
Pretty, the Spitzhauben, did a lot of getting herself totally into whatever I was doing--she was in the hole I was trying to dig, she was scratching dirt, she was sitting in my lap, walking over my legs...just everywhere. After I dug holes with my hand fork to plant the irises, I sat with her and used the fork to dig up small rocks and pieces of trash.
The lady that owned this place literally kept it as a junkyard. I have found pretty much everything. I have my little camera--I need to post pictures--but school is just over-freaking-whelming. Today I found a butter knife, glass, styrofoam, a buckle, a can, lids, foam padding, quilt batting...the list goes on and on.
I am going to spend a little time digging there after the exam as a reward. It is so nice to simply be outside, after spending literally a year trapped in my bed and inside the house. Sometimes, I feel as if sleep is a prison as I have spent so much of my time asleep.
But...this weekend, I am going to ride the old monster. Baby Horse and Teapot went to my mother's house--Baby Horse to get her molar issue examined by another vet, and injectible antibiotics--and old monster came here as he is a cold blooded harpy that lives to harass people he deems inadequate to control him. After hearing about how he has been kicking at people (his trademark!), I was admittedly tense. However, he loaded perfectly, and has been on his best behavior period since he got off the trailer. He needs a serious grooming--he is what, 21? 22? 23? I honestly cannot remember, and would have to look at his papers. He looks to be barely in the double digits and carries himself like a lion. The only evidence of age that I see is a bit of white creeping out of his blaze onto his face.
Thursday @ 4:55 pm: OPP final practical exam.
Friday @ 8 am: Immuno/TIPC final exams.
I think I am on the edge of burning out. I feel like I am in this creepy silence, almost in a holding pattern of not feeling/thinking/something.
Tomorrow, the bank will make a decision about the purchase of dream property. I am afraid.
I spent almost two hours with the chickens in my sort of garden this evening. That was time I could have spent studying (as is this! ha!), but I had pulled off 4 consecutive hours of quality work and just needed something else. Something different.
I had four episodes of vertigo, where I literally had to lock my legs and focus on a piece of trash that I wanted to pick up or a weed I wanted to pull. I have a weird memory of the seizure I had in December...I felt as if I was walking along a tightrope in a dark room, and opened a small wooden door into some green open silence. And then I was on the tightrope again, feeling as if I was walking back, and I realized I was looking at my mother (she had grabbed me when she saw me fall so I wouldn't hit my head on the ice). The vertigo kind of felt like that...as if I looked the right way, felt the right way, the path would open up to that door. It was not a good feeling. I did a lot of sitting.
Having written that odd, more than a little disturbing recollection, I am wondering if my "silent" feelings are related to feeling that path/door route again. I don't know. Don't really want to know either.
Pretty, the Spitzhauben, did a lot of getting herself totally into whatever I was doing--she was in the hole I was trying to dig, she was scratching dirt, she was sitting in my lap, walking over my legs...just everywhere. After I dug holes with my hand fork to plant the irises, I sat with her and used the fork to dig up small rocks and pieces of trash.
The lady that owned this place literally kept it as a junkyard. I have found pretty much everything. I have my little camera--I need to post pictures--but school is just over-freaking-whelming. Today I found a butter knife, glass, styrofoam, a buckle, a can, lids, foam padding, quilt batting...the list goes on and on.
I am going to spend a little time digging there after the exam as a reward. It is so nice to simply be outside, after spending literally a year trapped in my bed and inside the house. Sometimes, I feel as if sleep is a prison as I have spent so much of my time asleep.
But...this weekend, I am going to ride the old monster. Baby Horse and Teapot went to my mother's house--Baby Horse to get her molar issue examined by another vet, and injectible antibiotics--and old monster came here as he is a cold blooded harpy that lives to harass people he deems inadequate to control him. After hearing about how he has been kicking at people (his trademark!), I was admittedly tense. However, he loaded perfectly, and has been on his best behavior period since he got off the trailer. He needs a serious grooming--he is what, 21? 22? 23? I honestly cannot remember, and would have to look at his papers. He looks to be barely in the double digits and carries himself like a lion. The only evidence of age that I see is a bit of white creeping out of his blaze onto his face.
alyson
After a wonderful week off of antibiotics, today I start back up on a new medicine. If I handle it okay, in one week, I add in the dreaded Bactrim, the medicine that dropped me down to 100 lbs, and left me too weak to even walk or crawl to the bathroom. I had to take two months off of treatment until my body was strong enough to try again with a different medicine.
Am I scared? Yes! Am I ready? Yes! I am much stronger now, both physically and mentally. I enjoyed a wonderful string of days where I felt absolutely fantastic and I got so many things done around the house. Now I'm ready to go back down to Herxtown.
I don't want to give up my good days, but I'm fighting for my health back and I'm prepared to do what it takes to get it back, even though that means I have to get sick again. I know I can have good days, weeks even--when I feel like my old self again. I am ready to get worse to get better!
Am I scared? Yes! Am I ready? Yes! I am much stronger now, both physically and mentally. I enjoyed a wonderful string of days where I felt absolutely fantastic and I got so many things done around the house. Now I'm ready to go back down to Herxtown.
I don't want to give up my good days, but I'm fighting for my health back and I'm prepared to do what it takes to get it back, even though that means I have to get sick again. I know I can have good days, weeks even--when I feel like my old self again. I am ready to get worse to get better!
Monday, April 25, 2011
(sigh)
The radio silence since the last post has been due to two things:
1) the monster path, pharm and immuno exam (I passed...hallelujah!)
2) the sheer emotional effort that it took to write the last post.
I had five exams last week, and four scheduled for this week. I will have something else to say after Friday (we test Weds., Thurs., and Fri.).
Until then...and miniature Cadbury eggs are the devil.
1) the monster path, pharm and immuno exam (I passed...hallelujah!)
2) the sheer emotional effort that it took to write the last post.
I had five exams last week, and four scheduled for this week. I will have something else to say after Friday (we test Weds., Thurs., and Fri.).
Until then...and miniature Cadbury eggs are the devil.
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